You Can Learn a lot from a Pizza Shop - City School

A few weeks ago, Gee suggested that we go on a field trip at City School to the local pizza store.  A few kids showed interest and so we went about planning our first field trip. I didn’t realize it would be an exercise in deschooling for me!

An adult question was posed - “do you want to learn how to make pizza?” Gee responded with a tone that was equivalent to an eye-roll. “No. We are just going because it will be fun.  Most people like pizza so we will just get to go together and enjoy a pizza together.”

I volunteered to assist Gee in planning the trip. He wasn’t sure where to start or that any planning would need to be done in advance.  I said, we would probably need to ask the parents’ permission and that kids who wanted to go would need to ask for money.  Gee said, “Oh forget it then.  I don’t want anyone to have to hear the words no when they ask for money.  Do you know how it feels to have to ask for money to do things you want to do? And then to hear the words no all the time?”  We then had an interesting discussion about how kids don’t have the same access to money and the economy that adults have.  There are fewer ways for kids to earn money, they often need adult assistance to make that happen, and their sources of income also come from adults.  Adults are usually the purchasers. Being so removed from the economy renders them quite powerless.  They need to ask for help, ask for handouts, and when they do find ways to make money, they are paid for their “cuteness” and don’t always feel valued for their work.  These were excellent points! 

The next day Gee said he had a new idea.  He had devised a plan to get everyone a slice of pizza.  He said that if he bought a walk-in special and asked the pizza chef to cut the pizza into enough slices for everyone, then everyone could participate and no one would have to ask for money from parents.  He made arrangements to do some extra jobs for people he knew in exchange for gift cards from the pizza shop.  We constructed an email for parents to give their permission and the date was set.

Friday was the day of our trip.  Not all of the kids wished to attend the field trip but most did.  Several kids brought money to contribute in some way and they were excited.  This was a special event!  I think they felt mature and empowered.  One person even wore lipstick and really cool light-up sneakers.

It was drizzly and cold - not ideal weather to walk to the pizza shop.  It was actually a bit stressful at times for the adults who were trying to make sure that everyone stayed together and safe.  The kids felt safe though.  They were jubilant.  Even the youngest of the group, who was 18 months old decided this was the day she would become one of the gang and walk in the herd.

When we got to the pizza shop, the kids all spoke over top of one another placing their order.  At one point, Gee said “I don’t know what’s going on!” and backed away from the counter.  Then the kids did something interesting – they started to just order what they wanted and pool their money to make sure that everyone’s needs were met.  Once they realized that together they could figure out ways to meet everyone’s needs and get what they wished, they explored their purchasing power with enthusiasm.  Kids bought blue sports drinks, sugary drinks, brownies, and chips that they normally would not be allowed to buy if they were with their families. Some of them decided that they didn’t actually like these things but some did and some said that they did but didn’t consume them.  On this trip I observed that they ate 2 extra large cheese pizzas, pretended their pizzas were goatee beards, practiced breakdancing moves they saw on the TV in the eating area, went to the washroom with a friend, and talked about farts.  I wonder what things they remember from this trip?

This field trip inspired other ideas for field trips.  One child suggested that everyone go to McDonald’s next time.  He told the kids, “I saw a commercial for it once and everyone on the commercial seemed to be having a lot of fun there!”  His family is gluten-free and vegan.  While this suggestion of a field trip to McDonald’s might feel scary to some, think of all the possible learning and self-discovery that could come from such a trip? 

Giving kids the opportunity to explore the world on their terms and make their own choices is so very empowering.  So while the teacher in me was initially looking for the educational value in this trip, I get it now. I’m in awe of what they might be learning about autonomy, contributing to a group goal, freedom, and power.  Those things rarely make it into any official curriculum guide. The learner in me is honored that I was able to be a part of this field trip.

-Erin

Am I special also? - City School

It was our first pop up session at City School on Friday.  I was really nervous beforehand and it was a great relief that the day was peaceful and fairly easy to navigate.   (The conflicts and arguments will come later when they are more comfortable!)  

I was feeling that relief as we tidied up at the end of the day and reflecting internally as I did my work. I was thankful that I got to spend time with so many interesting, lovable humans!  In fact, I was thinking this when a parent arrived to pick up his son.  I said with sincerity, “I really enjoyed my time today with D.  He’s such a special kid!”

My son happened to see my face as I said this.  He must have recognized that this was a heartfelt statement.  There was no BS here.  I truly felt love for this kid!  He pulled my arm and whispered to me “Am I special also?”

Oh goodness!  I think he must have felt a pang of jealousy or insecurity and he wanted reassurance!  It must be so hard for him to share his mom in this way!

I swooped him into my arms for a surprise hug and kiss and whispered, “I love to spend my time with you.  You are *MY* special kid!” then I gave him another quick kiss.  He giggled.  Was the giggling an expression of relief that he is special in my eyes?  Embarrassment that his mom is giving him kisses publicly?  Or was it just the spontaneity of it all?

Anyway, he was fine so I went back to cleaning and saying goodbye to parents. 

That night, as I was putting away laundry.  He followed me into the bedroom and was doing flips on the bed.  He wanted to be close and he wanted to talk.  After discussing Minecraft materials for a bit he said;

“The kids seemed to like City School, eh Mumma?”

“Ya, I thought so!  Even the kids who had parents who left for a while seemed pretty comfortable.  Those are the ones I try to connect with most actually, the ones that have parents who leave for a while.  I want those kids to know that I see them with the same love and softness that their own parents have for them. I want them to feel safe and understood, even when their parents aren’t there.  I would like this City School to be a place where kids feel loved all the time. I would like kids to feel heard and to be trusted.”

“Ya. I like to feel those things.  I’d like other kids to feel that way when they are with us too.”

Then he went back to doing flips and talking about whatever was on his mind and I think I got his permission to love all the kids who join us at City School.  

Perhaps we are trees?

I have been reading a book about trees off and on for a while now.  I like it because I can pick it up anytime and leave it for months before finding it again. Today I found it while my youngest was snuggling in for a nap.  

So, the underlying “science” is that trees spend their time growing and producing nutrients and sharing what they create with their fellow trees, particularly their “family” members and other species that are “friendly”.  In the late summer, sometimes even end of July, trees begin to cut back their production for themselves and their “family” and “friend” trees.  They have worked hard to provide for themselves and others and their tree bodies are full and heavy so they start to conserve their energy. They prepare for a survival through an environment that will be cold and dark for a while, followed by a new season of growth.

Did you know that a deciduous tree’s version of “dullness” is actually autumn?  The removal of chlorophyll from their leaves makes them “dull” by tree standards and the remaining colours, which were always present, are now the ones we see.  Their green life is gone.  These colours of early autumn are still bright to our eyes and the eyes of insects who are looking for bark to burrow in for the winter.  The more intense tree dullness (brighter Autumn colours) indicate health and strength and signal to bugs to find a less healthy tree to winter in so that they will not be subjected to the tree’s defenses. 

A deciduous tree is relatively new (and innovative) in comparison to coniferous trees.  They go dormant and suspend their growth and require cold to germinate and their lifespan decreases if they are not able to move through their natural dormant periods.  They need to have a period of time when the water is drained from their branches and trunks (water in branches and trunks in freezing weather would kill the tree).  Dormancy allows for a plant’s survival in its environment.

The strongest contrast between dormancy and life are trees in the cherry family.  Trees in the cherry family begin to “dull” in July, germinate in the cold, and they are among the first tree to blossom in the spring.  My favourite is the Service Berry with it's orange-red autumn leaves - so beautiful.  The spring blossoming is also breathtakingly beautiful. In Japanese culture, the cherry tree and blossom, (sakura), has been a symbol that life is both spectacularly beautiful and awesomely short. The cherry tree kind of represents the great contrast between death and renewal, fragility and beauty, hope and pain.

To my friends who are feeling tired and quiet, dull and heavy, drained... perhaps we are just trees responding to our environment, preparing ourselves for the future?  Maybe instead of pushing against these feelings, it would be helpful to simply sit with some “friendly” trees who are starting to feel dormant themselves?  Perhaps we will feel comforted by our connection and shared experience?😉

My blog posts usually emerge in a burst and I don't always remember what I was reading that inspired me. I just know that I'm always reading something, even if it is short or frivolous. Today's blog I actually kept track of some of my reading inspiration.  Not all of it but some.  Here they are.

http://dyckarboretum.org/why-do-plants-go-dormant-in-the-winter/

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/wilderness-resources/stories/how-do-trees-survive-winter

The Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben

https://www.buildingbeautifulsouls.com/symbols-meanings/tree-symbolism-meanings/cherry-tree-meaning-symbolism/

The Children's Market and My Learning

This week my kids are participating in a children’s market and they are so excited.  This children’s market idea was initiated by Meaghan Jackson through the Burlington-Hamilton Unschoolers and has grown to include the entire local homeschooling community.  Children have created market booths selling services, products, crafts, and items with the intent of selling them to other children and attendees.  In unschooling style, parents are encouraged to step back so that their kids can take the initiative to plan, create, calculate, and negotiate so this experience can feel real and rewarding.

My daughter loves make-up, hair, colour, and design so when I asked her what kind of shop she wanted to have at the children’s market she didn’t hesistate – a beauty salon.  She decided she would paint nails, do make-up, and she says that she is also going to do hairstyles but she hasn’t really thought that one through yet so I am not sure if that aspect will materialize. 

This week she asked me to take her to the store so that she could buy a new nail polish for her salon “A glitter one because girls love glitter!” and today she wants me to take her to the store to buy white roses for her salon. I guess she has a vision of what she wants her salon experience to be like?  She said “Girls love beautiful flowers!”

As she plans aloud, I can’t help but notice that several girl stereotypes are being played out in my daughter’s salon.  So I had to ask “Are you only serving girls at your salon?”  She said yes.  I felt really uncomfortable.  I wanted her to be open to gender fluid kids or boys who wanted their nails done… So I asked what about boys that want to get their nails done?  “They are not allowed.” Oh no…I felt uncomfortable with that. So I asked how those boys would feel if she told them they are not allowed to get their nails done at her salon.  She thought about it and said “Lonely.” 

I let her response sit with me and soon I realized her answer revealed a bit of her.  She has a best friend who is a boy and most of her play experiences have been heavy on the boy influence.  As unschoolers, we have had to work really hard to find her some friends who are girls. What if her choice of market booth is not just an expression of her talents, but also an expression of her needs?  Perhaps a need for friendship and shared values? What if she is creating a market booth that attracts the kind of people she wishes to interact with more often?

I was humbled by that thought.  I realized I was so tempted to pressure her into agreeing to serve all customers equally but if I had done that, I would I have changed the experience for her. I would have made her booth about my needs for equality and acceptance, robbing her of the chance to try to meet her needs. And more importantly, I would have robbed her of the opportunity for her to learn from her market beauty salon experience.

This children’s market was supposed to be a chance for kids to learn but here I am learning the value of stepping back and letting a child lead the process.  I’m not sure how my daughter will respond to a gender fluid kid tomorrow or a boy visiting her salon but I now realize the experience she is creating is for her own learning.  I’m just lucky enough to be along for the ride.  Once again, I am feeling schooled by unschooling.  J

Triggered Empathetic Responses

Last night was a beautiful summer evening, so my family and I stayed out enjoying it well after dark.  I had the baby and she wanted to look at the blinking lights in the shop windows.  Those bright blinking lights are so appealing to babies.  There were some loud people around, one man was especially loud but she ignored it all.  I took her lead and let her little pointed finger determine where we would go next and what we would talk about.  At one point, she looked up at the night sky and as she looked up, I supported her soft little head so that she could look ALLLL the way up for as long as she wanted.  At one point she realized I was supporting her head and I said “I’ve got you!” and gave her a gentle kiss.  The whole feeling must have felt quite lovely because after the first gentle kiss, she touched my hand and leaned in for another gentle kiss.  We did as many gentle kisses as she wanted and when she was done being kissed she just laid there, with my hand supporting her head, looking at the night sky.  In that moment, instead of following her gaze again, I looked up and realized that the tough, scruffy looking guy having a smoke and a beer had been watching us the whole time.  He smiled at me and when our eyes connected I saw that by witnessing this interaction between my daughter and I, he had softened.  He seemed to be more gentle also. We didn't say anything, we just connected with our eyes and enjoyed the shared peaceful moment. I thought perhaps that by witnessing our tenderness, we had triggered his empathetic response and he was now experiencing this soft, lovely evening, just as we were.  He was no longer fronting or swaggering, he was there with us, peaceful and gentle.

The empathetic response is really so amazing.  It has an actual name " Emotional Contagion" but I'm not sure how many people recongnize that name.  This response happens regularly but we’re often unconscious to it.

I unschool my kids right now but this was the first full back to school week for local kids and I was noticing the range of responses.  For some kids, the return to school this week was still exciting.  For others it was already becoming a familiar routine.  And for some, they had strong reactions, especially on Sunday night and Monday morning.  Having supply taught and worked in Ontario public schools as a teacher, I know that school and classroom environments vary widely.  Some are lovely and inclusive and non-judging while others have power dynamics and subtle undertones. Think for a moment how your child’s learning environment triggers their emotional contagion.  (If your child is sensitive, you’ll probably be more aware of their empathetic response.)  Loving and kind gestures within your child’s earshot and eyesight will likely trigger them to also feel loved and cared for.  They’ll be willing to take risks and approach life with a sense of curiosity.  If your child is in an environment where they witness harshness and power-over dynamics, even if it is not done *to them*, they may respond as though it was. A power-over environment can encourage a child to experiment with their own power-over behavior (aka bully culture).  Or they may react with tears Sunday night or Monday morning or “clingy” or eager to please behavior when you are together.  They may appear agitated and aggressive as their fight response runs its course through their body.  They may not even be able to articulate it because as adults, we are often unconscious of it ourselves.  In fact, as children, we were often taught to dismiss our own unidentified, uneasy feelings by our well-meaning care-givers, though the most sensitive of us find that an impossible task.  But as parents caring for our children in conscious ways, we can choose something different.

If your child is loving school, I am celebrating their joy with you.  There is nothing better than seeing your child feeling confident and content. If your child is signaling distress, I encourage you to be their support and advocate.  Alternatives exist.  Your responses have a big influence on how they value themselves and interpret the world.  Their empathetic response is triggered all the time and helping them to develop an awareness of it will honor their experience and give them a stronger voice and advocate.

What is it that kids like about Learning in the Woods?

For the past two weeks, I have been spending more time at Learning in the Woods and I have had a unique opportunity to observe more than engage with the children.  I found myself thinking, what is it that kids like about Learning in the Woods.  Here is what I discovered.

“No Have-To’s” or “Should’s”:  The kids are happy to be with us because they know they are not going to be pushed or cajoled into doing anything.  Our daily schedule is a welcome circle, FREE CHOICE, and a good bye circle.  Truly, the most valuable thing we have to offer kids is the freedom and space to pursue their interests, explore their feelings, engage with others, and just be.  This is an environment that cultivates mindfulness.  That is not to say that our time together is full of beautiful, calm moments…just the opposite actually.  It is the messiness and swirling chaos that produces moments of awareness.  That is learning.  Those moments of awareness help to fuel the next discovery and interaction.  

Supportive Caregivers: We have amazing facilitators.  We hire authentic people who value kids and understand about choice and freedom and self-awareness and respect.  The learning that happens in a schedule-free environment is not always easy to navigate, so believe me when I say, our facilitators are so very busy supporting kids the whole time. Having no schedule means that there are more occasions for children to directly or indirectly request support and our facilitators are there through every painful and joyful emotion.  Tanya once said about Learning in the Woods participant A, “I love her.  And I mean that.  I love her because I have sat with her through every emotion, the highest highs and the lowest lows and when you sit with someone through every emotion possible like that, you cannot help but love them at the end of it.”  Drop the mic.

A Safe Place for Full Expression of Who They Are: Kids like this camp because they can show up and express the fullest version of themselves.  There is no need to edit their likes or dislikes or interests.  We love nature AND Moana, Paw Patrol, Popular MMO’s and dancing to Bruno Mars.  We do our best to #nurturethewholechild and not just the parts that make for pleasing others and nice Instagram photos. 

A Safe Place for Full Expression of What They Feel:  Kids can be sad, angry, scared, or frustrated and no one will rush them through those feelings.  Have you ever been rushed through a feeling by a well-intentioned loved one?  It sucks.  It adds a layer of discomfort to a situation that already feels not so good, which is why you are expressing your discomfort out loud to begin with!  At Learning in the Woods, tears can roll, as there is no shame in crying.  Angry voices can shout or growl.  They can be noisy and rambunctious in their joy.  We are human and this is a place where we welcome a full expression of humanity.

Ultimately, we see kids as full humans.  Their requests and interests and worries and questions are treated with respect that the children CAN FEEL.  They know they are being listened to with respect and that sense of respect is what cultivates a bond and connection that allows the kids to feel safe. Kids feel confident to take risks and grow and learn in ways that ARE IMPORTANT TO THEM.  As an adult, don't you wish for these things too?

Hint Hint, the next blog is about Self-Connection in the Woods, our adult version of Learning in the Woods.

Camp beginnings

The first day of camp can be intense for parents, kids, and facilitators. On the first day of camp, more than any other day, facilitators have to be prepared to just go with the flow and slow the pace so they can effectively create a safe space for kids. Ultimately, we trust the kids will show us what they need to feel comfortable in this new environment, we just need to create a space where can express and we can listen.

Today I arrived at Learning in the Woods before welcome circle.  Kids were playing, things were quiet, and the mood was a bit uncertain as kids tried to figure out how things work in this new space.  Facilitators were extra busy, trying to meet all the needs.  FYI, all the needs on the first morning of camp seem to be expressed intensely and simultaneously from these young people who were trying to figure it all out. Luckily our facilitators are ready for this!

When there was a lull, the facilitators invited everyone to join the welcome circle. Suddenly there was a cry.  C, 4 years old, had tripped and she burst into loud tears. Grace spoke to her quietly and brought her back to base camp.  C got her special toy from her backpack and a friend who had attended Learning in the Woods camp earlier in the summer, offered to sit beside her.  She was crying quietly and little one-lookers listened as Tanya said,  “C got hurt.  She is crying.  She is hugging her turtle toy because it helps her feel better.”  Everyone looked at C.  “Would you like to tell us about how you got hurt C?”  C stood up and walked over to the spot where she had tripped.  The entire group jumped up to follow her. This was an empathetic response as much as it was done out of curiosity.  

They listened quietly, respectfully, as C recounted what happened. Some asked questions or made comments.  Others just listened. I suspect C felt heard by the group as she stopped crying and walked back to our welcome circle looking calm and peaceful.  I suspect the group felt reassured too, as they were calm also. 

And so, the morning continued. We finished circle. We explored the space. Whistles were blown a little too often when there was no emergency. “The Machine” was built with some disagreement and some cooperation.  Snacks were eaten with gusto when kids were hungry.  No one was rushed.  There was time for everything.  All feelings were welcome.    

C’s fall was the first group bonding experience for these campers and it was rooted in gentleness and care. It set the tone for the rest of the morning and probably the rest of the week too.  By caring for one member of the group, everyone else was reassured that they will be cared for also.  There is no rush.  We can all just care for each other and figure things out as we go.  That message is so reassuring, isn't it?  What a beautiful beginning.