Triggered Empathetic Responses

Last night was a beautiful summer evening, so my family and I stayed out enjoying it well after dark.  I had the baby and she wanted to look at the blinking lights in the shop windows.  Those bright blinking lights are so appealing to babies.  There were some loud people around, one man was especially loud but she ignored it all.  I took her lead and let her little pointed finger determine where we would go next and what we would talk about.  At one point, she looked up at the night sky and as she looked up, I supported her soft little head so that she could look ALLLL the way up for as long as she wanted.  At one point she realized I was supporting her head and I said “I’ve got you!” and gave her a gentle kiss.  The whole feeling must have felt quite lovely because after the first gentle kiss, she touched my hand and leaned in for another gentle kiss.  We did as many gentle kisses as she wanted and when she was done being kissed she just laid there, with my hand supporting her head, looking at the night sky.  In that moment, instead of following her gaze again, I looked up and realized that the tough, scruffy looking guy having a smoke and a beer had been watching us the whole time.  He smiled at me and when our eyes connected I saw that by witnessing this interaction between my daughter and I, he had softened.  He seemed to be more gentle also. We didn't say anything, we just connected with our eyes and enjoyed the shared peaceful moment. I thought perhaps that by witnessing our tenderness, we had triggered his empathetic response and he was now experiencing this soft, lovely evening, just as we were.  He was no longer fronting or swaggering, he was there with us, peaceful and gentle.

The empathetic response is really so amazing.  It has an actual name " Emotional Contagion" but I'm not sure how many people recongnize that name.  This response happens regularly but we’re often unconscious to it.

I unschool my kids right now but this was the first full back to school week for local kids and I was noticing the range of responses.  For some kids, the return to school this week was still exciting.  For others it was already becoming a familiar routine.  And for some, they had strong reactions, especially on Sunday night and Monday morning.  Having supply taught and worked in Ontario public schools as a teacher, I know that school and classroom environments vary widely.  Some are lovely and inclusive and non-judging while others have power dynamics and subtle undertones. Think for a moment how your child’s learning environment triggers their emotional contagion.  (If your child is sensitive, you’ll probably be more aware of their empathetic response.)  Loving and kind gestures within your child’s earshot and eyesight will likely trigger them to also feel loved and cared for.  They’ll be willing to take risks and approach life with a sense of curiosity.  If your child is in an environment where they witness harshness and power-over dynamics, even if it is not done *to them*, they may respond as though it was. A power-over environment can encourage a child to experiment with their own power-over behavior (aka bully culture).  Or they may react with tears Sunday night or Monday morning or “clingy” or eager to please behavior when you are together.  They may appear agitated and aggressive as their fight response runs its course through their body.  They may not even be able to articulate it because as adults, we are often unconscious of it ourselves.  In fact, as children, we were often taught to dismiss our own unidentified, uneasy feelings by our well-meaning care-givers, though the most sensitive of us find that an impossible task.  But as parents caring for our children in conscious ways, we can choose something different.

If your child is loving school, I am celebrating their joy with you.  There is nothing better than seeing your child feeling confident and content. If your child is signaling distress, I encourage you to be their support and advocate.  Alternatives exist.  Your responses have a big influence on how they value themselves and interpret the world.  Their empathetic response is triggered all the time and helping them to develop an awareness of it will honor their experience and give them a stronger voice and advocate.

The gift of discomfort

Yesterday I felt so insecure.  One of the great gifts of trying to do something outside of the "norm" is that there are so many opportunities for me to be humbled.  Yesterday I had a big humble.  I got to see how I fail and how I struggle. It's a huge gift to see that but it's also uncomfortable and difficult to live with. 

I experienced this humbling message right before I hosted a play date. There were new friends, old friends, and their kids all coming to my house for some fun on the beach.  Yet, minutes before their arrival, all I wanted to do was be still and quiet with my humbling pain. I didn’t tell my friends I was feeling raw and insecure. I wasn't fake with those around me because that might be denying my pain but I wasn't trying to connect deeply either because connecting deeply wasn't possible when I felt that kind of insecurity. So, I just sat with those feelings inside me and allowed gentle friendships to carry me for a bit. It was riding a wave and allowing other people to keep me floating for a while.  Keeping quiet but floating helped me to get me to a space that felt a bit calmer and safer.   

The safety didn’t actually mean processing the insecure feelings! Safety was connecting to a friend who “gets” it like I do.  It was nice to just by listen to her, something I enjoy doing, and feel as though I have something to offer. Safety came while fulfilling a commitment and realizing “I am feeling so sad, I’m just not able to fulfill this commitment the way I had hoped.” Being honest with myself while still honoring my commitment met my need for authenticity. Listening to another beautiful friend express her strength and self-awareness of her challenges made me feel thankful to get to watch her as she blooms. Feeling insecure kept me quiet and what I received in that quiet seemed more beautiful as a result.

Somehow, with those moments of safety, the insecure feelings just lived in me. I didn't try to understand them. I just went about my day and the humbling feeling gave me clarity to see the gifts that discomfort can bring. In that way, the discomfort and insecurity was honored.

I think this is sometimes the way life goes.  Sometimes we feel insecure and we get to choose what we do with that feeling.  Disconnecting from it, though it is painful, dulls me to the beauty of life. Processing it in the moment wasn't actually going to serve me either, it would have felt like I was rushing through the feeling or spinning it in my head.  Sitting with it, even though it was uncomfortable, gave me a new perspective which is maybe the point of that feeling anyway.

As a parent, partner, friend, and contributer to the world, perhaps you’ll be given the same gift I was yesterday; a gift that brings you rawness and clarity to see the beauty in this world with fresh eyes. 

Risky Play and Trust

What was your favourite play place as a child?  What made it so enjoyable?  My kids found a playground they loved a short walk from our hotel on our recent trip to Orlando.  What made it so much fun?  Well, it was broken! 

The playground had an elevated platform with a raised stepping stone part where each step was secured to both a bar above and a small chain link connection into the ground, allowing the stepping stone to move just slightly.  The movement of the stepping stones was so slight, that it did not provide much a challenge for kids beyond the age of 3 yrs.  However, much to my son’s delight, the first stepping stone was missing and the challenge was perfect!

Upon arriving at the park, my son felt uncomfortable with the missing step and asked for help to get to the next step in line.  I moved it as close to him as I could, but the stepping stones didn’t have much of a chain on either tether, so it didn’t move much.  He still had to stretch his body to make the step.  The other stepping stones were really easy for him and he quickly sailed across.  The next time he crossed, he didn’t ask for help.  I watched him stretch his body and take a little leap of faith at the end; trusting that he would reach the next stepping stone as he released his grip and footing from the platform.  I wasn’t totally sure he could do it myself, but I knew that he loves to leap across boulders on the escarpment edge near our house; I knew I could trust his judgement about his limits.  Sure enough, after a few more tries he had mastered this missing step in the stepping stone poles and he was off to explore something else.

Another family arrived to play and the mother, seeing the missing stepping stone pole, told her daughter “I’ll help you.  This pole is missing; don’t try to cross this section without my help.”  The daughter crossed with the mom’s help, but chose not to cross the stepping stone poles again.  I think I know why…

More kids arrived at the park and a game of playground tag ensued.  My son eagerly swung across the missing stepping stone pole and other kids practiced and mastered the missing stepping stone pole too while the girl avoided the section altogether. 

The girl’s mother had been talking to another parent but was now paying attention to the game.  As my son approached the stepping stones she yelled “Stop!” and rushed over to push the second stepping stone close to my son for him to cross.  Well, he did stop, as did all the other children.  My son obliged and politely crossed the missing stepping stone with the mother’s help but something else happened too…the kids all stopped playing their game of tag.  The element of danger, fun, and learning, had disappeared with this mother’s seemingly conscientious intervention.  Such a small well-intentioned gesture on her part, but such a huge impact on the flow of play and learning.  This mother had a need for safety for the children on the playground, but instead of addressing her need in a way that was respectful of the children’s abilities, boundaries, and flow of play, she put her need at the center of the play, unaware that they had already mastered this “danger”.

I’d like to relate this idea of needs to learning for a moment.  Some people wonder why I feel so strongly about self-directed learning.  Why wouldn’t I want to choose the things my child is learning or find fun ways to guide them in the direction I think they need to grow?  Because if I were to direct my son’s learning, I would be fulfilling my needs, not his.  I would be tricking or manipulating him to learn what I think he should, to match my vision of the world or to appease my fears.  The world we live in is intensely competitive, I understand why parents want to teach their children what they think will give them a “leg up”. 

Children play because it is the most engaging and appealing way to learn.  When adults try to direct

play or learning, the child is not pursuing learning for their own benefit.  They are trying to please the adults they love and that takes away from their own self-awareness and ability to “learn how to learn”.  I don’t want my son to learn out of shame, guilt, or fear…nor do I want him to play in ways that suit my vision of his abilities or disabilities.  I want him to; pursue the things that interest him, to recognize his limits and ask for help when there is a gap that feels too big to overcome himself, and to approach new challenges with delight and interest.  He cannot do that without a certain amount of trust and freedom on my part.  Without me being aware of my own fears and needs, I won’t be able to provide the trust he needs to find his limits and challenge himself in the ways that are most meaningful to him.  The world is changing at such a rate, that I truly believe this is the best way for me to prepare him for the future.  I really do my best to trust that he will learn what he needs to learn, when he is ready to learn it, to get himself where he wants to go. 

I really believe the best gift we can give our children is our own self-awareness and the best learning and play environments are those filled with available, self-aware adults.  The next time you are at a playground, observe the adults.  Are the adults coaching their child about how to interact because they don’t want their child to struggle with potential rejection or avoid their own embarrassment (at the expense of the child learning firsthand the nuances of playground socialization).  Are they directing their child’s activities in an effort to “push” them to achieve a goal that they value?  Or do they give space for the child to discover the world at their own pace?  Do they have the patience to watch and intervene when requested?  I know which parent I'm striving to be!

freedom through self-awareness

Neem Karoli Baba: You must honor your personality in order to become free from it. 

A friend and parent at Learning in the Woods shared this with me today.  This fits so well with my life philosophy.  I think that when we deny who we are or reach too far outside of ourselves (trying to meet someone else’s expectations), we need to draw on energy to keep up that façade.  When we are aware of who we are and what we can do, there is an acceptance that is freeing...and the knowledge of who we are and our abilities can be used strategically.
 A person who is in complete connection with their abilities and interests is a powerful thing to witness.  It is Blue Jay fever right now at our house and my husband has been listening to baseball radio non-stop.  The other day a former player, Rance Mulliniks was a special guest on one show as we drove in the car.  He was so positive and enthusiastic in his commentary that it caught my attention.  I asked my husband about him and he explained.  Rance was not built like other baseball players; sort of scrawny looking and thick glasses.  While he never played a glory position on the Jays during his time with them, he was consistently strong in multiple aspects of the game.  My husband contends that the secret to his success was a passion for baseball, strong research skills, and his ability to apply his analysis and adjust his playing according to the research he had done.  Rance was aware of who he was and what he could offer.  Using that awareness to his advantage and he found a way to play to his strengths.  That gave him a long, joyful career in the sport he loved; even scoring him a position on the winning team when the Blue Jays won the series back to back in the early ‘90’s.  After retirement, this non-glory player was able to secure jobs as a commentator and consultant because he knew how to adjust his skill-set accordingly.  Plus fans love him.  In part, I think, because Rance scored every baseball fan's dream job.  If they can’t play baseball, they sure are happy to cheer on this guy who found a way to play  on the winning team even though he wasn't the natural athlete, at least in comparison to his teammates.   

I also have an example of complete disconnection.  I did my MBA at a school in Toronto and at that time, there was a large number of people in my class on student visas from China and I made friends with some. I was in awe of their efforts to hold everything together.  They were away from home, away from the support of family and friends, away from the familiarity of mainland Chinese culture, speaking and studying in a language that was challenging, at a university in a competitive program, often studying material that was not interesting to them or part of their natural skill set.  One friend I made was truly a poet at heart.  She tried to show me the beauty of Chinese art, folklore, and poetry at every study session.  (I was eager for distractions and procrastination myself I guess!)  Although there were many examples of disconnection and emotional hardship in my program, my friend was stretching so far outside of herself in every possible way, that she experienced a mental disconnect.  A month shy of finishing the program, when we were all feeling like the stress might break us, she started to say things that made us fear for her safety and the safety of others.  Eventually, she went into a hospital where she was given medication that she hated and made her feel strange (even more disconnected from herself?) Her story has a happy ending and as heartbreaking as it was to witness, her brave example taught me that we are all capable of such breaks if we reach too far outside of ourselves.  Given enough pressure and lack of support, we will all break.  None of us are immune. 

When things become stressful, and they inevitably will, a person stretching to be something too far outside of themselves won’t be able to bear the stress as well as a person operating within their scope.  A person who is connected to themselves is more aware of their personal boundaries and better able to find a path of success suited to their unique skill-set. 

The power dynamics in many of the institutions in our society are not conducive to promoting self-awareness and connection unfortunately.  I think many of us struggle to connect with the core of who we really are, making us vulnerable to symptoms of stress and disconnection such as illness, lashing out in anger, depression, and addictive behaviors.  (I believe that addiction is a symptom of disconnection.)  When we are faced with life’s traumas and difficulties and we do not have a strong community of family and friends to love us as we fall, we become depression and look to self-medicate our pain.  It’s a mammilian reaction to stress and lack of loving social bonds.  Treat the disconnection, and the need to self-medicate will be gone.  I also read a lot about ACE scores, and the data is clear, children who are supported with love and empathy through hardships grow up to lead significantly healthier and happier lives.  Interestingly, developing self-awareness can buffer negative effects too; both in childhood and adulthood.  Self-awareness can truly help bring you peace and set you free from anger, depression, and disease. 

So how do we promote connection and self-awareness?

• We allow a wide range of feelings and emotions to be expressed in their entirety, without minimizing them or dismissing them.  I really despise the phrase “You’re Ok!  You’re fine!  Stop crying/stop feeling, you’re fine!”  It’s the most common disconnector adults push on children and it’s usually it's done because *parents* feel uncomfortable with the emotions their children are showing. 
• We allow children time and opportunity to live in the moment and create their own experiences. 
• We encourage them to follow their intuition and signals from their body when they are pushing themselves beyond their own boundaries. 
• We help them develop their own solutions when the problems feel too big for them to navigate. 
• We encourage children to connect to one another through play and community meetings. 
• We stay away from grading and evaluation because that is a form of manipulation; creating a dynamic that places a child’s worth on someone else’s value system.  It encourages them to stretch outside of themselves to please the person in power and their reward is a small dose of fleeting self-esteem. 

When we aren’t aware of ourselves, we are more likely to blindly follow someone else’s agenda for our lives.  I don’t know what is scarier, being a prisoner in your own life or losing yourself in complete disconnection.  While we can perform as needed, freedom lies in embracing who we are. 

Invited Conversations

Have you ever thought about what or who you invite into your space?  The people you interact with, the things you read, watch, and listen to all have an impact on the way you think, perceive, and evolve as a person.

Recently a friend shared a story on Facebook.  As a child, she remembered her mother regularly invited inspiring women into her home.  Women that her mother admired, women that her mother believed in, women that opened her mother's eyes.  They talked about things that mattered to them, often from a feminist perspective, usually while their children played nearby.  My friend recounted that listening to pieces of those conversations with positive, creative, intelligent women inspired her to pursue a successful academic career in social work.  As an adult, she surrounded herself with people that were in the top of their studies, discussing the world around them in thoughtful and insightful ways...as her children played nearby no less.  Now that her children are reaching young adulthood, she is in awe of their level of activism, confidence, and intelligence.  This wasn't just a case of good genes.  This was an example of the "invited conversations" that children overheard, observed, and played in close proximity to.  Reading her post on Facebook, I thought, this is just the world that John Holt wished for children everywhere.  This is what John Holt thought was so beautiful about children in alternative learning communities.  This is truly natural learning.

I was reading a post by Business Insider about how successful people get things done in a day and one of the tips was to surround yourself with other high achievers.  Sometimes the conversations we "invite" into our home are not of our choosing; and it doesn't necessarily mean you cut these people out of your life.  Using Beyoncé as an example, they made a good point about how important it is to surround yourself with people that leave you feeling inspired.  Surrounding yourself with the type of people you want to be like will encourage you to rise to their level.  If you have limited time in your day to spend with others, it makes sense to be a "relationship minimalist" and try your best to spend time with people that leave you feeling energized. 

As my friend's multi-generational example illustrates, children can benefit from the conversations we invite into our lives too.  I remember reading interviews from Martin Luther King's children in which they talked about their memories of childhood.  I'm sure that having Martin Luther King as a father was inspiring enough, (can you imagine the bedtime stories?) but they also mentioned how, as children, playing around or near inspirational members of their community had an impact on their developing sense of self.  Several generations of the Kennedys had similar insights.  Mya Angelou, in her wisdom, would often invite the children in her neighborhood to play in and around her house, knowing that was the way wisdom was passed on. 

Children are like little seeds, planted in our care.  We give them the basics, but the environment we surround them with and the conversations we invite into our homes, have such an influential role to play in the people they are becoming. 

Are you surrounding yourself with people that inspire you to be the best you possible?  Who do you need to "cut back on" to be a better you?  Who would you like to add to your circle to help you grow?  What sort of conversations would you like your children to overhear?