Am I special also? - City School

It was our first pop up session at City School on Friday.  I was really nervous beforehand and it was a great relief that the day was peaceful and fairly easy to navigate.   (The conflicts and arguments will come later when they are more comfortable!)  

I was feeling that relief as we tidied up at the end of the day and reflecting internally as I did my work. I was thankful that I got to spend time with so many interesting, lovable humans!  In fact, I was thinking this when a parent arrived to pick up his son.  I said with sincerity, “I really enjoyed my time today with D.  He’s such a special kid!”

My son happened to see my face as I said this.  He must have recognized that this was a heartfelt statement.  There was no BS here.  I truly felt love for this kid!  He pulled my arm and whispered to me “Am I special also?”

Oh goodness!  I think he must have felt a pang of jealousy or insecurity and he wanted reassurance!  It must be so hard for him to share his mom in this way!

I swooped him into my arms for a surprise hug and kiss and whispered, “I love to spend my time with you.  You are *MY* special kid!” then I gave him another quick kiss.  He giggled.  Was the giggling an expression of relief that he is special in my eyes?  Embarrassment that his mom is giving him kisses publicly?  Or was it just the spontaneity of it all?

Anyway, he was fine so I went back to cleaning and saying goodbye to parents. 

That night, as I was putting away laundry.  He followed me into the bedroom and was doing flips on the bed.  He wanted to be close and he wanted to talk.  After discussing Minecraft materials for a bit he said;

“The kids seemed to like City School, eh Mumma?”

“Ya, I thought so!  Even the kids who had parents who left for a while seemed pretty comfortable.  Those are the ones I try to connect with most actually, the ones that have parents who leave for a while.  I want those kids to know that I see them with the same love and softness that their own parents have for them. I want them to feel safe and understood, even when their parents aren’t there.  I would like this City School to be a place where kids feel loved all the time. I would like kids to feel heard and to be trusted.”

“Ya. I like to feel those things.  I’d like other kids to feel that way when they are with us too.”

Then he went back to doing flips and talking about whatever was on his mind and I think I got his permission to love all the kids who join us at City School.  

Camp beginnings

The first day of camp can be intense for parents, kids, and facilitators. On the first day of camp, more than any other day, facilitators have to be prepared to just go with the flow and slow the pace so they can effectively create a safe space for kids. Ultimately, we trust the kids will show us what they need to feel comfortable in this new environment, we just need to create a space where can express and we can listen.

Today I arrived at Learning in the Woods before welcome circle.  Kids were playing, things were quiet, and the mood was a bit uncertain as kids tried to figure out how things work in this new space.  Facilitators were extra busy, trying to meet all the needs.  FYI, all the needs on the first morning of camp seem to be expressed intensely and simultaneously from these young people who were trying to figure it all out. Luckily our facilitators are ready for this!

When there was a lull, the facilitators invited everyone to join the welcome circle. Suddenly there was a cry.  C, 4 years old, had tripped and she burst into loud tears. Grace spoke to her quietly and brought her back to base camp.  C got her special toy from her backpack and a friend who had attended Learning in the Woods camp earlier in the summer, offered to sit beside her.  She was crying quietly and little one-lookers listened as Tanya said,  “C got hurt.  She is crying.  She is hugging her turtle toy because it helps her feel better.”  Everyone looked at C.  “Would you like to tell us about how you got hurt C?”  C stood up and walked over to the spot where she had tripped.  The entire group jumped up to follow her. This was an empathetic response as much as it was done out of curiosity.  

They listened quietly, respectfully, as C recounted what happened. Some asked questions or made comments.  Others just listened. I suspect C felt heard by the group as she stopped crying and walked back to our welcome circle looking calm and peaceful.  I suspect the group felt reassured too, as they were calm also. 

And so, the morning continued. We finished circle. We explored the space. Whistles were blown a little too often when there was no emergency. “The Machine” was built with some disagreement and some cooperation.  Snacks were eaten with gusto when kids were hungry.  No one was rushed.  There was time for everything.  All feelings were welcome.    

C’s fall was the first group bonding experience for these campers and it was rooted in gentleness and care. It set the tone for the rest of the morning and probably the rest of the week too.  By caring for one member of the group, everyone else was reassured that they will be cared for also.  There is no rush.  We can all just care for each other and figure things out as we go.  That message is so reassuring, isn't it?  What a beautiful beginning.

Respecting all our needs

Parenting has been such a transformative experience for me.  My kids are constantly teaching me what it means to be human. 

One of the nicest things about being a family with three kids is watching my older two children interact with the baby.  Every time the baby cries out a need, the older two kids come running.  Not necessarily because they are able to do anything to help but because they recognize her helpless cry and want to watch as her needs are addressed.  “Mumma!  The baby is crying!”  they shout.  They sit with her as tears roll down her cheeks and insist that I run to the baby with a sense of urgency.  When the baby smiles or coos or gazes deeply into their eyes, my older two children melt with love.  Their baby is safe and happy, so they feel safe and happy too.  I’ve been watching these interactions since the baby's birth and my heart swells every time. 

Watching my children as we care for our newest family member, it dawned on me, every time I respond lovingly to the baby’s cries, it reaffirms my willingness to love and care for the older two.  It reaffirms that our family is a loving and safe place where needs are responded to.  When our baby is scared to be surrounded by adults she doesn’t recognize, or give her extra-long nursing naps when she has a stuffy nose, my older two are reminded of the love I have provided and continue to offer them.  Since the arrival of this baby, my kids have experienced the purest form of empathy.  They can relate so much to what the baby is going through that my responses to the baby also serve to soothe them.  They know how it feels to be scared, then reassured with a loving embrace or the experience of a physical discomfort followed by a response of understanding and tenderness.  By caring for the baby, we reinforce our family’s willingness to care for all our family’s members.  There isn't a hierarchy of needs, all of our needs are valued and respected.

This past week has been a challenging one for me to see unfolding on social media and on the news. Some of the events have left me at a loss for words, feeling scared, confused, and heartbroken.  As a Canadian, the murders of 6 Muslim men in Quebec by a white man with a history of hateful racist online comments has me feeling especially sad.  And yet, as I care for my baby and watch my older two children empathize along with her, I cannot help but think, therein lies the answer for society too.  To soothe our societal fears and heartbreak, we can lovingly, respectfully, work to understand and meet the needs of the most vulnerable.  Who among us is in pain?  In small but sincere ways we can stand with our community’s most vulnerable and, in responding to their requests for love and safety, we can meet our own needs for safety and love too.

My children have taught me that we all feel more secure when we see the most vulnerable among us are well cared for.  It's one of the underlying principles at Learning in the Woods and our future Barn School.  By honoring the needs of the most vulnerable around us, we show that all needs are respected.

I am learning so much from my kids.  I am so thankful for this timely lesson.

Inspiring Superheroes

I was all set to devote my blog writing time to the next segment in my quest to compare SDE, Public Education, Montessori, and Waldorf styles of learning when I got side-tracked by the US election.  I suddenly had a lot to process*.  I just needed to hold still for a moment.  Then I needed new hope, new inspiration.  Enter Sunbeam.  This past summer, my son’s dear friend who is in public school, was enrolled in a half day arts summer camp entitled Heroes and Villains.  My son is not into programs with a lot of structure but he loves his friend and in an effort to spend more time with him, he decided to take part.  He spent four days working on this creation.  When he finished the art camp, he didn’t want anyone to gush over his art as he detests insincerity and he had no interest in talking about it.  So we hung his art in his bedroom and didn’t talk about it.

Wednesday night, as I helped him get ready for bed, I asked him “Can you tell me a little bit about Sunbeam?  Is Sunbeam a superhero or a villain?”

“Sure.  She’s a hero.” 

I was surprised.  I thought Sunbeam was a boy because so many Superheroes are males and since a little boy created him, I just assumed that he would create a male character.  “She’s a girl?  And a Superhero?” 

“Yes!  Can’t you see the long green hair? And the cape?” He was annoyed that I didn’t see this.

“I guess I saw the frown and just assumed Sunbeam was an angry villain.”

“Yes, she is frowning.  Superheroes frown too you know.  When she is happy, sunbeams come out of her eyes and her light shines everywhere and everyone feels warm inside.  When she is angry, the sunbeams are like electric shocks and she shocks the bad guys.  When she is sad, it is truly sad, because the sunbeams that come from her eyes are like she is losing energy, the sunbeams are like her blood.  She is frowning because she is the only superhero and there are A LOT of bad guys that she has to fight.  And she could really use a vacation.”

Wow.  He put a lot of thought into that.  What an interesting superhero!  Suddenly I felt inspired again and here is why.  Invited Conversations is one of my favorite blog posts not because I feel proud of the writing but because I believe so strongly in the message.  It’s about how important it is to surround yourself with people that inspire you, not just for your own growth and development but for your children too.  When your kids are nearby, they soak up everything you bring in their space.  Learning about Sunbeam helped me realize that over the past two years, my son has played at Little Seeds, Learning in the Woods, and Barn School meetings with inspiring women talking nearby.  He has played in the sun as we shared our joys and struggles as mothers who are trying to do something different.  So of course Sunbeam is a woman.  Of course she is a superhero.  Of course she has a full range of emotions with the power to light up the room, shock the “bad guys”, and feel drained in her sadness.  Isn't that the description of all great mothers everywhere?

Thursday morning I woke up thinking of Sunbeam again.  I asked my son if I could have the painting when he was done with it.  He smiled and said yes, recognizing that I truly appreciated his art.  My heart swelled with love.  All superheroes have moments when they feel like the job is bigger than they are but they keep going because that is their job.  I was inspired again and if you are feeling lost or overwhelmed, I hope you find your inspiration too because, my fellow Sunbeams, the world needs us more than ever to shine our light and shock the bad guys.  

And apparently there are a lot of bad guys and no time for a vacation!   

*If you are in a place where you are processing a lot of emotions and finding it difficult to move forward, I would recommend this read by Yoga guru and Blissology creator Eion Finn.  It’s in line with what we are trying to do at We Learn Naturally; create a space where emotions are processed and expressed in their entirety without judgement or pressure to move past them in an effort to make other people more comfortable.  http://www.blissology.com/blog/light-soon-but-first-tears/

My "Steve Jobs technology kids" Google Search

Since starting We Learn Naturally, I have had a lot of parents assume that we promote natural learning in the sense that we do not use technology.  Perhaps this was poor planning on my part, I actually meant "we learn naturally" in the sense that people do not have to be manipulated or forced to learn.  Learning through natural interests and non-coercive means can be just as effective, if not more.  Would “We Learn Non-coercively” have had the same appeal?  

In our family we use technology and, our kids do too, and that’s a difficult position to stand proudly behind without experiencing a certain amount of judgement.  I know it's not a position that all my friends and family share because every day in my FB newsfeed there are articles with titles such as “Steve Jobs didn’t allow technology in his home and neither should you”.  This week, I felt like I needed to think a little more critically about the articles referring to Steve Jobs and I was surprised by what I found.

After typing into Google search “Steve Jobs technology kids” I got pages of articles, some from very prominent sources, all referencing the same 1 original article.  It seems this concept started with an article written by Nick Bilton about technology executives that limit technology in their families.  However, aside from a few specific quotes, Bilton was stating that he knew of other executives who had similar philosophies but he didn’t actually say that technology was banned outright.  When I dug a little deeper, what these families do is not necessarily so radical; no devices at the dinner table, no devices in bedrooms at night, limits on time spent on devices.  Perhaps these families are focusing on connection, health, or safety?  I’m on board with those values, although it may be expressed differently in my family.  The biggest take-away for me was that all of these “news” stories and articles were actually generated from just one opinion piece article from the New York Times.

Steve Jobs did, in fact, allow his kids to use technology but he greatly limited the amount of technology his kids used in the home.  It’s unclear whether that decision was based on some sort of research, his understanding of the manipulation behind some apps or if it was simply in line with his own value-system and parenting style.  Did you know that Steve Jobs was a very difficult, exacting boss?  He was hot and cold with his children also and I wonder if this was just his personality?  His style in business was to use shame and belittlement to motivate people and promote the kind of perfection that he envisioned.  I wonder if his parenting style was also a bit controlling (at least by my unschooling standards) with his children in all areas, technology being one of them?

I see the irony of some of the biggest technology execs limiting electronic usage in their homes. It is that irony that made this one opinion column by Nick Bilton a spin off for so many other articles, feeding fear among parents who assume a technology guru would have the inside scoop on children and technology.  Perhaps technology execs, at the front of the change pendulum, are feeling scared of some of the changes they see?  Perhaps they are just reacting to their own fears the way many parents in our culture do - in the face of change they are exerting tighter control over the only area they can, their children?  

After giving it a lot of thought, I just can’t use Steve Jobs or any other technology executive as someone to model my decisions after.  I have to find what works best for my kids and my family.  The research is still so new and contradictory about technology use and kids.  There truly are positive and negatives to technology, and I think our outlook on life paints our perception.  If you come from a place of fear, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of humanity, then you will probably see the negatives of technology as a stronger influence in your thinking. 

I would love to see less fear-based FB posts and judgements towards parents who use technology and more reflective conversation.  I’m really interested in connection.  With a strong connection to our children they are less susceptible to making choices that are bad for their mental health, such as pursuing pornography or violence online.  We know that if we give our kids lots of meaningful in-person interactions with friends, peers, and their community, they become better able to read social cues.  With that, they are better able to identify and navigate instances of online bullying.  We also know that kids who have deep connections to others often use technology in positive ways; ways that enhance creativity, relationships, and strengthen interests.  If children are given space and time to develop self-awareness, and that becomes their compass from which they live, they can become better monitors of what they need.  One of the biggest questions/fears is that electronics have an addictive quality.  If technology has the potential to create addiction, the best way to prevent kids from addiction is to offer an environment that offers strong, positive bonding opportunities. (Check out this video on addiction.)  The bottom line, I am not fearful about technology because I believe so strongly that our connection to our kids will serve us as we help them to navigate the world around them, including technology. 

In a world that is becoming increasingly technology-based, the Steve Jobs’ approach to prepare his children was to greatly limit their exposure to screen time in an effort to protect them.  That is very much the cultural norm.  My approach to helping kids in a technology-based world is the opposite.  When possible, I try to include my kids in decisions that affect them, so that I can respectfully share my values and be respectful of their pursuits in the world.  I expect mistakes to happen and I don’t intend to protect them from the world so much as I intend to help them to find ways to navigate it.  So, I am not jumping on the “Steve Jobs’ doesn’t let his kids use technology and neither should you” train.  I guess I just think differently.  

The Diversity Bridge to Empathy by Chelsea Bohnert

Since my 5000 km move across the country from Ontario to British Columbia, I have experienced a significant amount of turbulence as we attempt to lay down fresh roots so far away from all that we know and love. There have been times where I have literally cried out as I questioned what my husband and I have done, as the immense fear of “messing up our kids” overcame me. How could we believe that uprooting all of the loving and secure connections we have made back home to make this great quest to the West was actually the right thing to do? Thankfully, I have been here before and was able to tenderly remind myself of exactly why we did this. I walked right into these challenges wholeheartedly. A clearer minded me, embraces the challenges that arise from different, unknown and difficult. Because something I believe to be true with all of my heart is that, compassion, acceptance and love for all people is fostered out of diverse interactions and tough situations.

You see, one of the primary struggles I have with our family being alternatively educated is the potential risk it has for lacking diversity in the experiences we encounter with other people in the community. Now, hold on. I know some of you will instantly think “Here we go again. Don’t you bother starting with the socialization debate!” However, I have to stop you mid thought because I am not talking about socialization at all. In fact, I am very well aware of the ample opportunities available for socialization for home learners/alternative students through independent schools, co-ops, extracurricular activities and more.

No, I am not talking about that at all. I am speaking more specifically about the diversity within these activities instead. When I made the decision for our family to become unschoolers, I went through so many layers of consideration on the matter. As we begin our sixth year with the decision, I am quite aware of the factors that have given me comfort and those I have struggled with. One really big struggle I have had often is with regards to diversity and I’ll tell you why. When I first began to consider home learning I think I was mostly operating from a place a fear, which I am certain others can relate to. Fear that my children would encounter any of the experiences that caused me pain or discomfort during my childhood and like most people, many of those took place at school.

But as I settled in to our decision, the fears I carried took a shift. As I began relationships with other home learning families, and visited the alternative education options in my community I noticed some things to be true. What I noticed is that the broad scope of the alternative education community appeared to be predominantly made up of families with high socioeconomic status (SES). So, while back when I was a new momma this was precisely what I was seeking, it is an area of discomfort for me now and I’ll tell you why.

As I have grown as a parent and began to heal parts of myself that were wounded from my childhood, I have developed a great deal of tenderness and self-love for not only myself but my mom as well. Even as I began my journey as a mother I was more certain than ever that my duty was to give my children everything I never had. They wouldn’t be poor, they wouldn’t go to school and if they did it had to be private, and they must never struggle. However, through the healing I’ve received from watching my children grow and being a part of their experiences of life, I have come to realize how much I actually like myself and who I’ve become. So as this became increasingly apparent to me, I started to question what things I might duplicate from my childhood rather than avoid.

The thing that stands out the most to me is the richness of diversity in my life, most of which came from the decisions and risks that my own mother made as she parented myself and my three sisters. We were poor, my sisters and I were mixed race, my mom was a single parent and we were a household of five women. We certainly did not fit the mould of a traditional family by any means.  Perhaps this was because mom has always been the kind of person who rooted for the underdog and taught us to do the same. Even when it was to her own demise at times, she gave everything she had to anyone who needed it. My mother modelled empathy and compassion in everything that she did and even though at times I didn’t understand it in my youth, I am so grateful that she was my teacher.

When I consider the reasons that my mom is the way that she is, as with myself I do not believe it is because of the lack of struggle and diverse experiences in her life. No, in fact, it is very much the opposite. Raised in an upper middle-class family in Ancaster ON, probably not one of the most SES diverse places in the world, my mom was also adopted. Being adopted has caused her a great deal of pain and discomfort however it is probably one of the single and most important pieces to consider in how my mother was gifted with the incredible ability to empathize and have compassion the way she does. The unique experience of adoption and feeling different opened her empathic ability to a much larger group outside of her tribe of origin.

I want to clarify that I am in no way suggesting that anyone who does not experience great hardship or pain will be lacking in empathy, but I think I am making some valuable connections here. I recently enjoyed an article titled “The Limits of Empathy” published by Uplift Connect on Facebook, that really hammered home some solid findings on empathy and the biological science behind it. Without getting too technical, and I do highly recommend reading it yourself, the author basically explains that ancestrally, we as a species are more capable of providing empathy to people who are similar to ourselves. You can probably relate this to your own experiences and feelings on any of the leading issues of controversy in the world today. It has been discovered that oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” also acts as a driving force behind empathic ability. While it strengthens feelings of love amongst people within your circle, it can reinforce a tribal mentality and evoke fear and mistrust towards those who come from outside of our social circles.

It is for these reasons that I am contending for diversity as a catalyst for empathy in our lives. If we actually have a biological predisposition to dislike, avoid and disagree with those who are different from ourselves yet empathy and compassion are essential to the vitality of our society, the only apparent solution is to encounter as many diverse experiences with as many different types of people, as often as we can. This way, we will have more similarities woven into our connections and our tribal instincts will adapt to them instead. Mix things up. Befriend opposites and work through the challenges that arise from it. Talk to your kids about how different can be uncomfortable and why it is important to embrace differences anyways. Model this in every way that you can.  Fear is what prevents people from connection but if we can consciously walk through the unknown in order to reap the reward of acceptance and love on the other side, the risk is SO worth it.

In the traditional school system children from all walks of life are grouped together in classrooms upwards of 30 or more children. And while at times, the differences may lead to bullying, exclusion and intolerance, diversities in class, race, gender, learning abilities, sexuality and religious beliefs are certainly encountered daily by children attending school, which does offer increased opportunities for learning empathy. As alternative families on the other hand, the goal of diversity as a bridge to empathy is one that needs to be much more intentional. What we do have working to our advantage though, is that choosing the path less travelled with alternative educations means that we are already intentional by nature. So it’s simple. All we need to do is add diversity to the top of our priority lists, and the rest will fall into place on its own. Goodbye fear, exclusion, and intolerance. Hello empathy, compassion and love!

Smiles and Love.

 Here is the link to the article on empathy I mentioned:

http://upliftconnect.com/the-limits-of-empathy/

Chelsea Bohnert is a We Learn Naturally Blog contributor and advisor for We Learn Naturally.  She unschools her children, thinks critically, learns constantly, and creates strong communities everywhere she goes (including coastal B.C. where she currently resides.)  Thanks for the blog Chelsea!

Connections Triad; reflections of camp

Whether it’s a 10 week session throughout a season or a 1 week summer camp, when we reach the end of our scheduled time at Learning in the Woods, everyone experiences a bit of a “high”.  When it’s time to say good-bye, connections are at their strongest, so it’s only natural to look back at our time together and reflect.

Despite being very pregnant, I happened to be on site for the first morning of camp.  It’s such a vulnerable time and not just for the kids!  Facilitators want to help bridge the gap between home and camp but with no prior connection, they really don’t have a choice but to be patient, grounded, and present.  Parents have signed their children up for this nature camp thing but suddenly, uncertainty lingers in the air.  I think the strongest impression for me was witnessing how brave the kids were, venturing into the unknown!  It reminds me of the first days of school as a kindergarten teacher.  With no solid prior connections to draw on, everyone digs deep and pulls from within the best they can. I have so much love for these brave little souls!

Even kids who know what to expect, still have butterflies because they know the dynamics have changed.  My son, who is certainly a regular at Learning in the Woods, was feeling anxious Monday afternoon when we arrived for his session.  While sitting with him as he rode out his nerves, some of the kids who participated in the July camp arrived.  They were excited to be back to their familiar space again, flying down the hill, backpacks bouncing on their backs.  Can you picture it?  Read that line again, if you need to because it was that excited energy bouncing past, that lifted my son from his nerves and carried him down to camp.  And that’s sometimes that's just how it goes.  You spend time building a connection to yourself, so that you can build a connection to others, and somewhere along the way there is a connection to nature too.  There is an ebb and flow that works in this triad and we don’t really think much about it unless we give ourselves time to reflect.  

Tanya, the Learning in the Woods Director, and our facilitators Claudia, Soren, and Laura all did an outstanding job this week, keeping themselves grounded and present so that the kids could walk away with deeper connections.  It was a challenging week though.  To start off it was HOT.  Morning temperatures in our city were often hotter than correlating morning temperatures in Mumbai.  Plus, we ended the week with thunder and rain.  With any kind of intense weather, the facilitators feel pressure to keep kids safe and to fully consider parental concerns.  It’s always a challenge to balance those concerns with what we know of nature connection.  You see, most forest schools do not make weather cancellations and we understand why.  In those weather challenges, the possibility for connection intensifies.  

In the heat we can observe how nature adapts; the bugs burrow into the moist soil to stay cool and hydrated.  Small creatures and birds conserve their energy for cooler times of the day and spend the hottest times in the shade or in the spot in the forest that catches a breeze.  As we observe and connect to nature, we can apply that learning to ourselves.  My son arrived home yesterday after a week in the heat and didn’t feel a need to come into our air conditioned house.  His sister and I retreated after 20 minutes of playing outside but he continued to play and create in our backyard, soaked in humidity.  He had adapted, he had overcome.  He learned to take his cues from nature, listen to his body, adapt, and in the end, he found a new sense of peace in the challenging heat. What a gift!

And it’s not just the physical stamina that grows.  We talk about how when we are experiencing discomfort with our feelings, we don’t actually want to hide them, change them, or rush past them.  The feelings are there for a reason and if we can sit with them, they bring us depth of understanding.  The same is true when experiencing nature. To get a depth of understanding, it really is best to stay with nature.  That means visiting the same location in different seasons and weather conditions so that you can truly understand how it flows and your fit in the natural world.  We looked into making our last day of camp at a location that had something new to explore and some water to splash in (our little stream was completely dry with this drought) but we were so glad that we stayed put!  By staying put, the kids were able to reflect on how comfortable they felt in the forest, even exploring the familiar paths “alone”, thus raising their confidence and their sense of inner peace.  They were also rewarded with RAIN!  With water gushing up to the kids’ ankles, our little stream had the appeal of an exciting new toy!  The played and rejoiced in their new wet forest and their new friendships.  It was the kind of ending that we could not have predicted but we’re so thankful to have received.  By staying put, we are able to experience the complete triad of joyful connection to nature, self, and others.

It was tempting to alter our location or respond to the elements by retreating somehow but we are really glad that we didn’t.  We don’t want to be fearful of nature or the elements because we know that our fear can be passed onto our kids.  We want to instill a respect and appreciation for nature, not a rejection of it when the elements bring us discomfort or don’t fit our vision of the experience.  The human oneness with nature is so ingrained in our very core that sometimes it seems our connection with nature can mirror our comfort level with our own feelings.  We are a culture of of people who often resort to retreating or displacing.  But if we sit with ourselves, find peace in ourselves and in our environment, then, with enough practice, it becomes possible to find peace with others.  And that is the motivation behind this whole thing, the possibilities that come with connection.  We don't want to reject that which feels uncomfortable; those are actually the moments we want to dig deep and connect.  So, that’s how it goes at Learning in the Woods.  There is an ebb and flow to all things and as we finish up our camp season, we are left feeling really thankful for the experience and for this time to reflect.

freedom through self-awareness

Neem Karoli Baba: You must honor your personality in order to become free from it. 

A friend and parent at Learning in the Woods shared this with me today.  This fits so well with my life philosophy.  I think that when we deny who we are or reach too far outside of ourselves (trying to meet someone else’s expectations), we need to draw on energy to keep up that façade.  When we are aware of who we are and what we can do, there is an acceptance that is freeing...and the knowledge of who we are and our abilities can be used strategically.
 A person who is in complete connection with their abilities and interests is a powerful thing to witness.  It is Blue Jay fever right now at our house and my husband has been listening to baseball radio non-stop.  The other day a former player, Rance Mulliniks was a special guest on one show as we drove in the car.  He was so positive and enthusiastic in his commentary that it caught my attention.  I asked my husband about him and he explained.  Rance was not built like other baseball players; sort of scrawny looking and thick glasses.  While he never played a glory position on the Jays during his time with them, he was consistently strong in multiple aspects of the game.  My husband contends that the secret to his success was a passion for baseball, strong research skills, and his ability to apply his analysis and adjust his playing according to the research he had done.  Rance was aware of who he was and what he could offer.  Using that awareness to his advantage and he found a way to play to his strengths.  That gave him a long, joyful career in the sport he loved; even scoring him a position on the winning team when the Blue Jays won the series back to back in the early ‘90’s.  After retirement, this non-glory player was able to secure jobs as a commentator and consultant because he knew how to adjust his skill-set accordingly.  Plus fans love him.  In part, I think, because Rance scored every baseball fan's dream job.  If they can’t play baseball, they sure are happy to cheer on this guy who found a way to play  on the winning team even though he wasn't the natural athlete, at least in comparison to his teammates.   

I also have an example of complete disconnection.  I did my MBA at a school in Toronto and at that time, there was a large number of people in my class on student visas from China and I made friends with some. I was in awe of their efforts to hold everything together.  They were away from home, away from the support of family and friends, away from the familiarity of mainland Chinese culture, speaking and studying in a language that was challenging, at a university in a competitive program, often studying material that was not interesting to them or part of their natural skill set.  One friend I made was truly a poet at heart.  She tried to show me the beauty of Chinese art, folklore, and poetry at every study session.  (I was eager for distractions and procrastination myself I guess!)  Although there were many examples of disconnection and emotional hardship in my program, my friend was stretching so far outside of herself in every possible way, that she experienced a mental disconnect.  A month shy of finishing the program, when we were all feeling like the stress might break us, she started to say things that made us fear for her safety and the safety of others.  Eventually, she went into a hospital where she was given medication that she hated and made her feel strange (even more disconnected from herself?) Her story has a happy ending and as heartbreaking as it was to witness, her brave example taught me that we are all capable of such breaks if we reach too far outside of ourselves.  Given enough pressure and lack of support, we will all break.  None of us are immune. 

When things become stressful, and they inevitably will, a person stretching to be something too far outside of themselves won’t be able to bear the stress as well as a person operating within their scope.  A person who is connected to themselves is more aware of their personal boundaries and better able to find a path of success suited to their unique skill-set. 

The power dynamics in many of the institutions in our society are not conducive to promoting self-awareness and connection unfortunately.  I think many of us struggle to connect with the core of who we really are, making us vulnerable to symptoms of stress and disconnection such as illness, lashing out in anger, depression, and addictive behaviors.  (I believe that addiction is a symptom of disconnection.)  When we are faced with life’s traumas and difficulties and we do not have a strong community of family and friends to love us as we fall, we become depression and look to self-medicate our pain.  It’s a mammilian reaction to stress and lack of loving social bonds.  Treat the disconnection, and the need to self-medicate will be gone.  I also read a lot about ACE scores, and the data is clear, children who are supported with love and empathy through hardships grow up to lead significantly healthier and happier lives.  Interestingly, developing self-awareness can buffer negative effects too; both in childhood and adulthood.  Self-awareness can truly help bring you peace and set you free from anger, depression, and disease. 

So how do we promote connection and self-awareness?

• We allow a wide range of feelings and emotions to be expressed in their entirety, without minimizing them or dismissing them.  I really despise the phrase “You’re Ok!  You’re fine!  Stop crying/stop feeling, you’re fine!”  It’s the most common disconnector adults push on children and it’s usually it's done because *parents* feel uncomfortable with the emotions their children are showing. 
• We allow children time and opportunity to live in the moment and create their own experiences. 
• We encourage them to follow their intuition and signals from their body when they are pushing themselves beyond their own boundaries. 
• We help them develop their own solutions when the problems feel too big for them to navigate. 
• We encourage children to connect to one another through play and community meetings. 
• We stay away from grading and evaluation because that is a form of manipulation; creating a dynamic that places a child’s worth on someone else’s value system.  It encourages them to stretch outside of themselves to please the person in power and their reward is a small dose of fleeting self-esteem. 

When we aren’t aware of ourselves, we are more likely to blindly follow someone else’s agenda for our lives.  I don’t know what is scarier, being a prisoner in your own life or losing yourself in complete disconnection.  While we can perform as needed, freedom lies in embracing who we are.