Triggered Empathetic Responses

Last night was a beautiful summer evening, so my family and I stayed out enjoying it well after dark.  I had the baby and she wanted to look at the blinking lights in the shop windows.  Those bright blinking lights are so appealing to babies.  There were some loud people around, one man was especially loud but she ignored it all.  I took her lead and let her little pointed finger determine where we would go next and what we would talk about.  At one point, she looked up at the night sky and as she looked up, I supported her soft little head so that she could look ALLLL the way up for as long as she wanted.  At one point she realized I was supporting her head and I said “I’ve got you!” and gave her a gentle kiss.  The whole feeling must have felt quite lovely because after the first gentle kiss, she touched my hand and leaned in for another gentle kiss.  We did as many gentle kisses as she wanted and when she was done being kissed she just laid there, with my hand supporting her head, looking at the night sky.  In that moment, instead of following her gaze again, I looked up and realized that the tough, scruffy looking guy having a smoke and a beer had been watching us the whole time.  He smiled at me and when our eyes connected I saw that by witnessing this interaction between my daughter and I, he had softened.  He seemed to be more gentle also. We didn't say anything, we just connected with our eyes and enjoyed the shared peaceful moment. I thought perhaps that by witnessing our tenderness, we had triggered his empathetic response and he was now experiencing this soft, lovely evening, just as we were.  He was no longer fronting or swaggering, he was there with us, peaceful and gentle.

The empathetic response is really so amazing.  It has an actual name " Emotional Contagion" but I'm not sure how many people recongnize that name.  This response happens regularly but we’re often unconscious to it.

I unschool my kids right now but this was the first full back to school week for local kids and I was noticing the range of responses.  For some kids, the return to school this week was still exciting.  For others it was already becoming a familiar routine.  And for some, they had strong reactions, especially on Sunday night and Monday morning.  Having supply taught and worked in Ontario public schools as a teacher, I know that school and classroom environments vary widely.  Some are lovely and inclusive and non-judging while others have power dynamics and subtle undertones. Think for a moment how your child’s learning environment triggers their emotional contagion.  (If your child is sensitive, you’ll probably be more aware of their empathetic response.)  Loving and kind gestures within your child’s earshot and eyesight will likely trigger them to also feel loved and cared for.  They’ll be willing to take risks and approach life with a sense of curiosity.  If your child is in an environment where they witness harshness and power-over dynamics, even if it is not done *to them*, they may respond as though it was. A power-over environment can encourage a child to experiment with their own power-over behavior (aka bully culture).  Or they may react with tears Sunday night or Monday morning or “clingy” or eager to please behavior when you are together.  They may appear agitated and aggressive as their fight response runs its course through their body.  They may not even be able to articulate it because as adults, we are often unconscious of it ourselves.  In fact, as children, we were often taught to dismiss our own unidentified, uneasy feelings by our well-meaning care-givers, though the most sensitive of us find that an impossible task.  But as parents caring for our children in conscious ways, we can choose something different.

If your child is loving school, I am celebrating their joy with you.  There is nothing better than seeing your child feeling confident and content. If your child is signaling distress, I encourage you to be their support and advocate.  Alternatives exist.  Your responses have a big influence on how they value themselves and interpret the world.  Their empathetic response is triggered all the time and helping them to develop an awareness of it will honor their experience and give them a stronger voice and advocate.

Risky Play and Trust

What was your favourite play place as a child?  What made it so enjoyable?  My kids found a playground they loved a short walk from our hotel on our recent trip to Orlando.  What made it so much fun?  Well, it was broken! 

The playground had an elevated platform with a raised stepping stone part where each step was secured to both a bar above and a small chain link connection into the ground, allowing the stepping stone to move just slightly.  The movement of the stepping stones was so slight, that it did not provide much a challenge for kids beyond the age of 3 yrs.  However, much to my son’s delight, the first stepping stone was missing and the challenge was perfect!

Upon arriving at the park, my son felt uncomfortable with the missing step and asked for help to get to the next step in line.  I moved it as close to him as I could, but the stepping stones didn’t have much of a chain on either tether, so it didn’t move much.  He still had to stretch his body to make the step.  The other stepping stones were really easy for him and he quickly sailed across.  The next time he crossed, he didn’t ask for help.  I watched him stretch his body and take a little leap of faith at the end; trusting that he would reach the next stepping stone as he released his grip and footing from the platform.  I wasn’t totally sure he could do it myself, but I knew that he loves to leap across boulders on the escarpment edge near our house; I knew I could trust his judgement about his limits.  Sure enough, after a few more tries he had mastered this missing step in the stepping stone poles and he was off to explore something else.

Another family arrived to play and the mother, seeing the missing stepping stone pole, told her daughter “I’ll help you.  This pole is missing; don’t try to cross this section without my help.”  The daughter crossed with the mom’s help, but chose not to cross the stepping stone poles again.  I think I know why…

More kids arrived at the park and a game of playground tag ensued.  My son eagerly swung across the missing stepping stone pole and other kids practiced and mastered the missing stepping stone pole too while the girl avoided the section altogether. 

The girl’s mother had been talking to another parent but was now paying attention to the game.  As my son approached the stepping stones she yelled “Stop!” and rushed over to push the second stepping stone close to my son for him to cross.  Well, he did stop, as did all the other children.  My son obliged and politely crossed the missing stepping stone with the mother’s help but something else happened too…the kids all stopped playing their game of tag.  The element of danger, fun, and learning, had disappeared with this mother’s seemingly conscientious intervention.  Such a small well-intentioned gesture on her part, but such a huge impact on the flow of play and learning.  This mother had a need for safety for the children on the playground, but instead of addressing her need in a way that was respectful of the children’s abilities, boundaries, and flow of play, she put her need at the center of the play, unaware that they had already mastered this “danger”.

I’d like to relate this idea of needs to learning for a moment.  Some people wonder why I feel so strongly about self-directed learning.  Why wouldn’t I want to choose the things my child is learning or find fun ways to guide them in the direction I think they need to grow?  Because if I were to direct my son’s learning, I would be fulfilling my needs, not his.  I would be tricking or manipulating him to learn what I think he should, to match my vision of the world or to appease my fears.  The world we live in is intensely competitive, I understand why parents want to teach their children what they think will give them a “leg up”. 

Children play because it is the most engaging and appealing way to learn.  When adults try to direct

play or learning, the child is not pursuing learning for their own benefit.  They are trying to please the adults they love and that takes away from their own self-awareness and ability to “learn how to learn”.  I don’t want my son to learn out of shame, guilt, or fear…nor do I want him to play in ways that suit my vision of his abilities or disabilities.  I want him to; pursue the things that interest him, to recognize his limits and ask for help when there is a gap that feels too big to overcome himself, and to approach new challenges with delight and interest.  He cannot do that without a certain amount of trust and freedom on my part.  Without me being aware of my own fears and needs, I won’t be able to provide the trust he needs to find his limits and challenge himself in the ways that are most meaningful to him.  The world is changing at such a rate, that I truly believe this is the best way for me to prepare him for the future.  I really do my best to trust that he will learn what he needs to learn, when he is ready to learn it, to get himself where he wants to go. 

I really believe the best gift we can give our children is our own self-awareness and the best learning and play environments are those filled with available, self-aware adults.  The next time you are at a playground, observe the adults.  Are the adults coaching their child about how to interact because they don’t want their child to struggle with potential rejection or avoid their own embarrassment (at the expense of the child learning firsthand the nuances of playground socialization).  Are they directing their child’s activities in an effort to “push” them to achieve a goal that they value?  Or do they give space for the child to discover the world at their own pace?  Do they have the patience to watch and intervene when requested?  I know which parent I'm striving to be!

Connections and Timeouts

My husband sent me a link today to an article that was talking about how Time-outs, as a discipline method, are overused, and not only ineffective but they also may cause more harm.  Unfortunately the article didn't go into much detail about why time-outs can cause more harm.  I am going to try to talk about that a bit here as it relates to parenting and education.

In teacher's college, we weren't really taught discipline methods, so in the classroom most people were using a combination of their personal style and whatever was the norm for that school.  People didn't often question school culture discipline tactics, it was just part of the system.  Perhaps that explains why there are 19 States in the US that still include corporal punishment as an acceptable means of discipline.  You get so entrenched in the system's norms, that you can't see when the ideas are no longer relevant or acceptable. 

So in my experience teaching young children, if you were at a "good" school you might use more rewards than punishments, but if you were teaching at a "bad" school, your principal might have the whole staff trained on methods of classroom discipline that were board approved and used shaming and consequence techniques.  Regardless of the type of public school you were at, giving time-outs was standard.  In fact, if you weren't giving time outs, your effectiveness as a teacher might be questioned; that's how prevalent time-outs were. 

When I first started teaching in Ontario public schools, I didn't have children yet.  In my first year teaching Kindergarten, I gave time outs sparingly, but I remember a mom called me once to find out why her child was put on time out.  I explained the situation, but even as I did, I didn't feel confident in my answer.  I loved her son and I knew that I had crushed his spirit.  I didn't like the time out culture I was a part of...but I didn't know any alternatives.

After my son was born, I found myself following my instincts as I learned how to care for him and nurture him.  As a new parent, I felt drawn to Attachment Parenting, Continuum Concept, Positive Parenting, and RIE.  Respecting my infant son as a full human being meant that we had a strong bond and by the time he was entering his toddler stage, I couldn't imagine putting him in time out.  I understood the power of responding with love and I was more aware of how shame is used to curb behavior with powerful psychological consequences.  Thankfully, being a mom absolutely made me a better teacher.

Returning to work after my maternity leave, I brought my parenting style to the classroom.  I loved those children and dug deeply to find patience and connections in an environment that regularly denied their needs.  (I feel like I am harnessing my inner John Taylor Gatto here!)  With my new confidence in parenting with love and connection, there was no doubt, I had the best class in the school.  But when I say that, I don't actually feel a sense of self-pride.  I feel proud of the kids because others could see how awesome they were but when I say that I had the best class in the school, I actually feel...ashamed?  Ashamed because I realize now that I probably always had the best class in the school...I just never had a clue that I needed to protect every kid in my care and hold space for them so that they could just do their thing and walk around being their regular awesome selves.  I needed to shield them, like a giant umbrella, so that their happy little flames didn't get snuffed out...and unfortunately, it took me several years to learn that. 

That little boy that I put on time out before having kids was a REALLY awesome kid and I loved him, but I sure wish I knew about positive parenting when he trusted in my care.  Because I know that hurt people hurt people and people become hurt by major events and a build up of minor events...a school career of crushing minor events is enough to silence a soul or dim a light, no matter how exuberant to start. 

As I have explored aware parenting/positive parenting/RIE I've become more aware of the importance of establishing and respecting boundaries, honouring feelings, the power of routines, and modelling behavior.  When our children are struggling with behavior, our adult role is to be the calm in our child's storm.  We don't have to solve problems for our children, in fact we shouldn't rob them of that experience.  Nor should we engage in the power struggle of trying to teach them "a lesson".  We just have to be a safe place for them to catch their breath, reassure them as they experience their feelings, and confidently stand by them as they navigate their mistakes.  I still have a lot of learning to do in this area but I'm confident that I'm on the right path. 

I often read about ACE Scores and Resiliency and Addictions.  For a long time my favourite show was A&E's Intervention.  I was so curious about how the addict's lives lead to a position where they would seek pain and felt compelled to feed their addiction and perpetuate their pain.  In my search to understand ACE scores, resiliency, and addiction, I started to come across articles like this one that talk about how the opposite of addiction is connection and it just makes so much sense to me.  According to this line of thinking, the best way to prevent and treat addiction is through connection; connection to our feelings and connection to our community.  Sometimes unfortunate or sad things happen to people but connected people, loved people, valued people, have had experience in dealing with those feelings before.  They know the value of working through the full spectrum of feelings, that reaching out to their community for support will make their journey more bearable, and that they deserve forgiveness, peace, and love.  Leaving a child in timeout does nothing to support a child through their emotions and experience.  Isolating them from those connections add new feelings of loneliness, confusion, or frustration to their already upset state.

Every time a child has a tantrum, tests a boundary, makes a mistake, or feels overwhelmed by life, we have an opportunity to guide them through their experience to a place of peace and calm.  What a wonderful gift to give another human being!  As trusted adults, we can help children to learn resiliency through our loving presence and empathetic connection.  That blows my mind!  What a magnificent power we have!

I think the hardest part of realizing that power is the self-awareness of realizing that despite our best intentions, we are often so flawed ourselves.  We have grown up in systems of fear...school cultures of the bad kids being sent to the office, left alone to cry, feeling worthless in our mistakes...we have such sadness to sort through ourselves if we want to guide our children to peace.  But what a gift for those brave enough to start to peel back the onion layers.

This is the ultimate image of peace and calm at our house; a sleeping 2 yr old with her favourite cat. :)

Learning Outside the Box

When was the first time you started to think outside the box?  Did it surprise you to find that you were outside the box or have you often held a seat on the outside looking in?

Our early childhood experiences often set us up for a life either inside society's institutions or outside the box, wondering why people are so locked into mindsets governed by rules they have never challenged and certainly never created.

I grew up with a family that functioned well inside the box.  I was taught the "code" to be successful and I have many advantages in my knapsack that make me an ideal candidate to succeed inside the box.  But I am a sensitive person and I just haven't ever felt authentic or happy living by those rules.

I have always had an interest in health, in a deeper sense.  Mind, body, and spirit. Self-awareness.  Happiness.  Learning.  I've been curious about what do people need to not just be well, but to really flourish in life.  So I studied those topics from different angles through my education and work. 

I remember the first article I read about a Democratic Free School.  It was in teacher's college, in a magazine about learning alternatives that was in a discard pile, free for the taking.  I read the article and felt so energized.  This is it!  This made so much sense!  From every angle I had ever researched, studied, and observed!  Children learn naturally!  We just have to provide a hub of interesting people and activities, supportive facilitators, freedom to choose, and time to pursue their curiosities. 

"We're doing it all wrong!" I happily shared in my teaching group.  I was met with polite smiles.  How could they not be as excited about this as I was?  Everything about teacher's college suddenlt seemed backwards...kids need freedom, nuturance, natural environments yet I learned how to control (for safety), judge (for accountability and comparison), and all the politics, language, and structure of the system that had been set up in the 1800's.  Today there are a lot of nice people in the system but it is rooted in autocratic power for a few and fear-based coercion for most.  It's hard to have everyone reach their full potential in a set up with those sorts of power imbalances as part of the fundamental structure.

While teaching, I worked with some wonderful colleagues.  I can honestly say that I LOVED every child in my care.  But I felt frustrated that some kids in this system just would not survive the judgments and comparisons, the structure, and the boredom without losing a piece of what made them so special.  Their enthusiasm had to be curbed into following lessons and schedules made for the masses.  Their energy had to be funneled into activities that they completed in order to please the adult in charge.  The kids that developed certain skills later were made to feel "behind" their peers.  Even the ones who were star students often lacked passion for what they were learning and didn't have a sense of who they were or what their true passions were. 

But it doesn't have to be that way.  There is learning that happens outside the box.  Some of you may know this already. (Wink wink, I'm looking at you, out of the box thinkers!)  But for those of you who feel like you are not a good fit for the public system, or if you feel you are being "pushed out", please know that the learning continues outside our public system.  And it's really beautiful.