Triggered Empathetic Responses

Last night was a beautiful summer evening, so my family and I stayed out enjoying it well after dark.  I had the baby and she wanted to look at the blinking lights in the shop windows.  Those bright blinking lights are so appealing to babies.  There were some loud people around, one man was especially loud but she ignored it all.  I took her lead and let her little pointed finger determine where we would go next and what we would talk about.  At one point, she looked up at the night sky and as she looked up, I supported her soft little head so that she could look ALLLL the way up for as long as she wanted.  At one point she realized I was supporting her head and I said “I’ve got you!” and gave her a gentle kiss.  The whole feeling must have felt quite lovely because after the first gentle kiss, she touched my hand and leaned in for another gentle kiss.  We did as many gentle kisses as she wanted and when she was done being kissed she just laid there, with my hand supporting her head, looking at the night sky.  In that moment, instead of following her gaze again, I looked up and realized that the tough, scruffy looking guy having a smoke and a beer had been watching us the whole time.  He smiled at me and when our eyes connected I saw that by witnessing this interaction between my daughter and I, he had softened.  He seemed to be more gentle also. We didn't say anything, we just connected with our eyes and enjoyed the shared peaceful moment. I thought perhaps that by witnessing our tenderness, we had triggered his empathetic response and he was now experiencing this soft, lovely evening, just as we were.  He was no longer fronting or swaggering, he was there with us, peaceful and gentle.

The empathetic response is really so amazing.  It has an actual name " Emotional Contagion" but I'm not sure how many people recongnize that name.  This response happens regularly but we’re often unconscious to it.

I unschool my kids right now but this was the first full back to school week for local kids and I was noticing the range of responses.  For some kids, the return to school this week was still exciting.  For others it was already becoming a familiar routine.  And for some, they had strong reactions, especially on Sunday night and Monday morning.  Having supply taught and worked in Ontario public schools as a teacher, I know that school and classroom environments vary widely.  Some are lovely and inclusive and non-judging while others have power dynamics and subtle undertones. Think for a moment how your child’s learning environment triggers their emotional contagion.  (If your child is sensitive, you’ll probably be more aware of their empathetic response.)  Loving and kind gestures within your child’s earshot and eyesight will likely trigger them to also feel loved and cared for.  They’ll be willing to take risks and approach life with a sense of curiosity.  If your child is in an environment where they witness harshness and power-over dynamics, even if it is not done *to them*, they may respond as though it was. A power-over environment can encourage a child to experiment with their own power-over behavior (aka bully culture).  Or they may react with tears Sunday night or Monday morning or “clingy” or eager to please behavior when you are together.  They may appear agitated and aggressive as their fight response runs its course through their body.  They may not even be able to articulate it because as adults, we are often unconscious of it ourselves.  In fact, as children, we were often taught to dismiss our own unidentified, uneasy feelings by our well-meaning care-givers, though the most sensitive of us find that an impossible task.  But as parents caring for our children in conscious ways, we can choose something different.

If your child is loving school, I am celebrating their joy with you.  There is nothing better than seeing your child feeling confident and content. If your child is signaling distress, I encourage you to be their support and advocate.  Alternatives exist.  Your responses have a big influence on how they value themselves and interpret the world.  Their empathetic response is triggered all the time and helping them to develop an awareness of it will honor their experience and give them a stronger voice and advocate.

Camp beginnings

The first day of camp can be intense for parents, kids, and facilitators. On the first day of camp, more than any other day, facilitators have to be prepared to just go with the flow and slow the pace so they can effectively create a safe space for kids. Ultimately, we trust the kids will show us what they need to feel comfortable in this new environment, we just need to create a space where can express and we can listen.

Today I arrived at Learning in the Woods before welcome circle.  Kids were playing, things were quiet, and the mood was a bit uncertain as kids tried to figure out how things work in this new space.  Facilitators were extra busy, trying to meet all the needs.  FYI, all the needs on the first morning of camp seem to be expressed intensely and simultaneously from these young people who were trying to figure it all out. Luckily our facilitators are ready for this!

When there was a lull, the facilitators invited everyone to join the welcome circle. Suddenly there was a cry.  C, 4 years old, had tripped and she burst into loud tears. Grace spoke to her quietly and brought her back to base camp.  C got her special toy from her backpack and a friend who had attended Learning in the Woods camp earlier in the summer, offered to sit beside her.  She was crying quietly and little one-lookers listened as Tanya said,  “C got hurt.  She is crying.  She is hugging her turtle toy because it helps her feel better.”  Everyone looked at C.  “Would you like to tell us about how you got hurt C?”  C stood up and walked over to the spot where she had tripped.  The entire group jumped up to follow her. This was an empathetic response as much as it was done out of curiosity.  

They listened quietly, respectfully, as C recounted what happened. Some asked questions or made comments.  Others just listened. I suspect C felt heard by the group as she stopped crying and walked back to our welcome circle looking calm and peaceful.  I suspect the group felt reassured too, as they were calm also. 

And so, the morning continued. We finished circle. We explored the space. Whistles were blown a little too often when there was no emergency. “The Machine” was built with some disagreement and some cooperation.  Snacks were eaten with gusto when kids were hungry.  No one was rushed.  There was time for everything.  All feelings were welcome.    

C’s fall was the first group bonding experience for these campers and it was rooted in gentleness and care. It set the tone for the rest of the morning and probably the rest of the week too.  By caring for one member of the group, everyone else was reassured that they will be cared for also.  There is no rush.  We can all just care for each other and figure things out as we go.  That message is so reassuring, isn't it?  What a beautiful beginning.

Respecting all our needs

Parenting has been such a transformative experience for me.  My kids are constantly teaching me what it means to be human. 

One of the nicest things about being a family with three kids is watching my older two children interact with the baby.  Every time the baby cries out a need, the older two kids come running.  Not necessarily because they are able to do anything to help but because they recognize her helpless cry and want to watch as her needs are addressed.  “Mumma!  The baby is crying!”  they shout.  They sit with her as tears roll down her cheeks and insist that I run to the baby with a sense of urgency.  When the baby smiles or coos or gazes deeply into their eyes, my older two children melt with love.  Their baby is safe and happy, so they feel safe and happy too.  I’ve been watching these interactions since the baby's birth and my heart swells every time. 

Watching my children as we care for our newest family member, it dawned on me, every time I respond lovingly to the baby’s cries, it reaffirms my willingness to love and care for the older two.  It reaffirms that our family is a loving and safe place where needs are responded to.  When our baby is scared to be surrounded by adults she doesn’t recognize, or give her extra-long nursing naps when she has a stuffy nose, my older two are reminded of the love I have provided and continue to offer them.  Since the arrival of this baby, my kids have experienced the purest form of empathy.  They can relate so much to what the baby is going through that my responses to the baby also serve to soothe them.  They know how it feels to be scared, then reassured with a loving embrace or the experience of a physical discomfort followed by a response of understanding and tenderness.  By caring for the baby, we reinforce our family’s willingness to care for all our family’s members.  There isn't a hierarchy of needs, all of our needs are valued and respected.

This past week has been a challenging one for me to see unfolding on social media and on the news. Some of the events have left me at a loss for words, feeling scared, confused, and heartbroken.  As a Canadian, the murders of 6 Muslim men in Quebec by a white man with a history of hateful racist online comments has me feeling especially sad.  And yet, as I care for my baby and watch my older two children empathize along with her, I cannot help but think, therein lies the answer for society too.  To soothe our societal fears and heartbreak, we can lovingly, respectfully, work to understand and meet the needs of the most vulnerable.  Who among us is in pain?  In small but sincere ways we can stand with our community’s most vulnerable and, in responding to their requests for love and safety, we can meet our own needs for safety and love too.

My children have taught me that we all feel more secure when we see the most vulnerable among us are well cared for.  It's one of the underlying principles at Learning in the Woods and our future Barn School.  By honoring the needs of the most vulnerable around us, we show that all needs are respected.

I am learning so much from my kids.  I am so thankful for this timely lesson.

How I cut down on sibling fighting

My kids have been erupting into physical fights a lot this past week and I just can’t stand it.  This is a picture of the cause of most of their fights this week.  That's right, it's a pinwheel, bought at a big box store for $1.99. Pinwheels are awesome and I have two kids who love pinwheels.  So why did I only buy one of them?!?  I'm not sure but I asked that question aloud so often this week that my kids would sometimes stop fighting and say, "ya mumma, why did you buy us only one?!"  For my own sanity, I should have bought none at all or two of them.  I blame this "mistake" on my attempts at minimalism mixed with my sometimes idealistic approach to parenting; "By buying one, my kids will have the opportunity to play together and perhaps work on their negotiation skills".  Ha.  Not this week.

A Facebook friend, Sarah Rosensweet, is a Toronto-based parenting coach and she regularly does workshops on this sort of thing.  The other day she asked her FB friends “What is your biggest parenting challenge?” I responded flatly with “sibling fighting”.  Sarah (with an emphasis on "sweet" in her lsat name Rosensweet) said “That’s so hard!”  and provided a link to her blog post on sibling rivalry (found here).

Sarah’s tips were things I do and promote; empathize with your children’s feelings, stay neutral and help them if they need it, connect with your children as a preventative measure, and help your children connect with each other. Recognizing that I already “know” this, I needed to reframe. My Nonviolent Communication (NVC) reading prompted me to view the fighting as an expression of unmet needs… Sometimes they just don’t know how to navigate a situation and need my help finding the words to negotiate with each other. And my kids have been amazing with the arrival of the baby but I cannot fill their buckets the same way that I could when there were only two kids. OK. I could see that I am not able to meet their needs as easily as I used to and their fighting is an expression of their unmet needs…but why was it bothering *ME* so much?


I reread Sarah’s response. It was such a simple expression of empathy - “That’s so hard!” I lingered there, realizing I needed more of that. I started to realize that even if I recognize their need for love or support, I am not always able to meet it and that is hard for me! Their fighting reminds me of my challenges as a mom to three young children and of my own unmet needs. In fact, when they are fighting, I actually add to the problem by yelling my need into the mix; “Stop fighting! I can’t stand all this fighting!” And then I try to use my parental power to dominate the situation to stop the fighting. Oh goodness. That's not what I want. I need some empathy and I want to stop the cycle of fighting, power, and domination.


If I were a little more NVC in that moment I would say “When I hear you fighting I feel frustrated that I cannot meet your needs!” or “When I hear you fighting I feel overwhelmed because I need a break and there is no one here to give me a break right now.” Or “When I hear you arguing, I feel irritated because I need quiet to put the baby to sleep. I can help you better if she is asleep.” I kept going; identifying my needs and sometimes making the requests I wish I had thought of in the moment. I started to soften.


The shift in my mind was unexpected. With enough self empathy, I wasn't triggered to throw my needs into the ring when both kids were loudly, violently expressing theirs. I could see my children’s fighting as simply an expression of their needs. I wasn't pulled into it on that level anymore. Once again, I found myself saying things like “I hear your need for ____. I will help you ____ (now, as soon as the baby is asleep, after I finish peeing, tonight when Daddy gets home, etc.) Just identifying their needs aloud made them feel heard, and even if they were not resolved in the moment, that verbalizing on my part drastically cut down on their fighting, which triggered me less and we began to move out of the fighting/yelling/domination cycle.

But how did our loving, peaceful parenting, bed sharing family get there? Well, although our new baby is wonderful and we love her completely, it has been a huge adjustment for everyone, especially me. She's a new little being with her own set of needs, thrown into the mix of a regular random expression of needs from my two other little beings who count on me to help them navigate, understand, and sometimes meet their needs. Another part of the challenge for me is that the fighting simply exists. I reread Sarah’s first line of her blog post; “Sibling rivalry is so hard for us as parents- even though it’s perfectly common and normal.” Hmmm…sibling rivalry is common and normal. I want peace in my home and peace in my world, but when I am struggling with my own needs, I become reactionary and revert to old habits (of yelling, commanding, domination). My “Stop fighting!” reaction was only reinforcing the very thing I was trying to move past. I bet this yelling under stress is a common reaction to people like me who are new to positive parenting and I can see why my kids are doing it. Dr. Riane Eisler's work has been on my mind lately. All of us are saturated in a culture that teaches us to use power and domination to meet our needs. Without love and empathy, we fall into that old domination script when our needs are unmet.

But we don’t have to. I thought about Sarah’s words to me “It is so hard!” Just a little bit of empathy from Sarah was all I needed to bring me out of that cycle. Marshall Rosenburg would say that’s what every parent needs, every child needs, every one of us needs to move towards more peace. More soft places where we don’t have to fight to get our needs met. It is so hard and yet it’s also so simple. And freeing. Parenting is our children's first environment, their first exposure to culture. If I want a more peaceful world, it's important for me to start with myself.










So, lesson to self: Identify my own needs and empathize with myself so I am able to help others. This is how I spread peace in the world. Got it. Again. At least until next time my needs are high and I forget. Oh and always buy enough pinwheels. ;)

The Diversity Bridge to Empathy by Chelsea Bohnert

Since my 5000 km move across the country from Ontario to British Columbia, I have experienced a significant amount of turbulence as we attempt to lay down fresh roots so far away from all that we know and love. There have been times where I have literally cried out as I questioned what my husband and I have done, as the immense fear of “messing up our kids” overcame me. How could we believe that uprooting all of the loving and secure connections we have made back home to make this great quest to the West was actually the right thing to do? Thankfully, I have been here before and was able to tenderly remind myself of exactly why we did this. I walked right into these challenges wholeheartedly. A clearer minded me, embraces the challenges that arise from different, unknown and difficult. Because something I believe to be true with all of my heart is that, compassion, acceptance and love for all people is fostered out of diverse interactions and tough situations.

You see, one of the primary struggles I have with our family being alternatively educated is the potential risk it has for lacking diversity in the experiences we encounter with other people in the community. Now, hold on. I know some of you will instantly think “Here we go again. Don’t you bother starting with the socialization debate!” However, I have to stop you mid thought because I am not talking about socialization at all. In fact, I am very well aware of the ample opportunities available for socialization for home learners/alternative students through independent schools, co-ops, extracurricular activities and more.

No, I am not talking about that at all. I am speaking more specifically about the diversity within these activities instead. When I made the decision for our family to become unschoolers, I went through so many layers of consideration on the matter. As we begin our sixth year with the decision, I am quite aware of the factors that have given me comfort and those I have struggled with. One really big struggle I have had often is with regards to diversity and I’ll tell you why. When I first began to consider home learning I think I was mostly operating from a place a fear, which I am certain others can relate to. Fear that my children would encounter any of the experiences that caused me pain or discomfort during my childhood and like most people, many of those took place at school.

But as I settled in to our decision, the fears I carried took a shift. As I began relationships with other home learning families, and visited the alternative education options in my community I noticed some things to be true. What I noticed is that the broad scope of the alternative education community appeared to be predominantly made up of families with high socioeconomic status (SES). So, while back when I was a new momma this was precisely what I was seeking, it is an area of discomfort for me now and I’ll tell you why.

As I have grown as a parent and began to heal parts of myself that were wounded from my childhood, I have developed a great deal of tenderness and self-love for not only myself but my mom as well. Even as I began my journey as a mother I was more certain than ever that my duty was to give my children everything I never had. They wouldn’t be poor, they wouldn’t go to school and if they did it had to be private, and they must never struggle. However, through the healing I’ve received from watching my children grow and being a part of their experiences of life, I have come to realize how much I actually like myself and who I’ve become. So as this became increasingly apparent to me, I started to question what things I might duplicate from my childhood rather than avoid.

The thing that stands out the most to me is the richness of diversity in my life, most of which came from the decisions and risks that my own mother made as she parented myself and my three sisters. We were poor, my sisters and I were mixed race, my mom was a single parent and we were a household of five women. We certainly did not fit the mould of a traditional family by any means.  Perhaps this was because mom has always been the kind of person who rooted for the underdog and taught us to do the same. Even when it was to her own demise at times, she gave everything she had to anyone who needed it. My mother modelled empathy and compassion in everything that she did and even though at times I didn’t understand it in my youth, I am so grateful that she was my teacher.

When I consider the reasons that my mom is the way that she is, as with myself I do not believe it is because of the lack of struggle and diverse experiences in her life. No, in fact, it is very much the opposite. Raised in an upper middle-class family in Ancaster ON, probably not one of the most SES diverse places in the world, my mom was also adopted. Being adopted has caused her a great deal of pain and discomfort however it is probably one of the single and most important pieces to consider in how my mother was gifted with the incredible ability to empathize and have compassion the way she does. The unique experience of adoption and feeling different opened her empathic ability to a much larger group outside of her tribe of origin.

I want to clarify that I am in no way suggesting that anyone who does not experience great hardship or pain will be lacking in empathy, but I think I am making some valuable connections here. I recently enjoyed an article titled “The Limits of Empathy” published by Uplift Connect on Facebook, that really hammered home some solid findings on empathy and the biological science behind it. Without getting too technical, and I do highly recommend reading it yourself, the author basically explains that ancestrally, we as a species are more capable of providing empathy to people who are similar to ourselves. You can probably relate this to your own experiences and feelings on any of the leading issues of controversy in the world today. It has been discovered that oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” also acts as a driving force behind empathic ability. While it strengthens feelings of love amongst people within your circle, it can reinforce a tribal mentality and evoke fear and mistrust towards those who come from outside of our social circles.

It is for these reasons that I am contending for diversity as a catalyst for empathy in our lives. If we actually have a biological predisposition to dislike, avoid and disagree with those who are different from ourselves yet empathy and compassion are essential to the vitality of our society, the only apparent solution is to encounter as many diverse experiences with as many different types of people, as often as we can. This way, we will have more similarities woven into our connections and our tribal instincts will adapt to them instead. Mix things up. Befriend opposites and work through the challenges that arise from it. Talk to your kids about how different can be uncomfortable and why it is important to embrace differences anyways. Model this in every way that you can.  Fear is what prevents people from connection but if we can consciously walk through the unknown in order to reap the reward of acceptance and love on the other side, the risk is SO worth it.

In the traditional school system children from all walks of life are grouped together in classrooms upwards of 30 or more children. And while at times, the differences may lead to bullying, exclusion and intolerance, diversities in class, race, gender, learning abilities, sexuality and religious beliefs are certainly encountered daily by children attending school, which does offer increased opportunities for learning empathy. As alternative families on the other hand, the goal of diversity as a bridge to empathy is one that needs to be much more intentional. What we do have working to our advantage though, is that choosing the path less travelled with alternative educations means that we are already intentional by nature. So it’s simple. All we need to do is add diversity to the top of our priority lists, and the rest will fall into place on its own. Goodbye fear, exclusion, and intolerance. Hello empathy, compassion and love!

Smiles and Love.

 Here is the link to the article on empathy I mentioned:

http://upliftconnect.com/the-limits-of-empathy/

Chelsea Bohnert is a We Learn Naturally Blog contributor and advisor for We Learn Naturally.  She unschools her children, thinks critically, learns constantly, and creates strong communities everywhere she goes (including coastal B.C. where she currently resides.)  Thanks for the blog Chelsea!