"This is Where all the Nice Kids Are!"

A friend asked me recently if I had always planned to homeschool.  I explained that no, I hadn’t, but after attending my first local non-secular homeschool picnic (THN for those of you in Hamilton and Burlington Ontario), I knew that we needed to give it a try.

As a teacher, I had an idea of what a multi-age picnic would look like.  However, this picnic was different.  The kids were SO NICE!  This was the kind of community that I wanted for my kids!  After the picnic, I messaged my teacher friends to say “I’ve discovered where all the nice kids are!”

You see, as a teacher, I knew that in a school environment there are some kids that get labelled “nice kids” and as a teacher, you really hope that your own child finds that group when they enter school.  You also hope your receives that label themselves.  That label means your kid is doing alright.  The “nice kids” avoid a lot of the bullying and drama and heartache that seems to find the rest of the student body.  Every teacher enjoys their time with “the nice kids” because they are easy to get along with and having them in your class makes your teaching job easier.

After the picnic, I wondered if I had stumbled upon some magical land. The homeschoolers are really nice kids.  Everyone I met would fall into my “nice kids” label if they were in my classroom. Yet, I couldn't help but notice that the homeschool kids still have meltdowns, they still struggle with things, basically they are still real kids!  The more time we spent hanging out with the homeschoolers, the more I realized how there was something wrong with my “nice kids” label.  This is a teacher’s version of “de-schooling” by the way.

I feel uncomfortable saying this publicly, because so many of my friends and family members are classroom teachers, but all kids are, in fact, “nice kids”, it’s the school environment that creates the label dichotomy.  I’ll say that again for all the parents who have had a kid who struggled – I realize now that ALL KIDS ARE “NICE KIDS”.  I say this in the sense that all kids are the same, they are showing up, every day as a real person, with real legitimate needs.  Unfortunately, the school environment is just not set up to meet their needs.  In fact, it often amplifies their unmet needs and can even create new needs!  And so kids get labelled. (As teachers, we give kids this label as our way of dealing with our own challenges and unmet needs but that’s another blog post.)

So like every other human, kids show up to school with needs.  In a school environment, there is one adult per approximately 20 children who can potentially help to meet those needs.  The environment is set up in such a way that children are not empowered to meet their own needs, at least not regularly or in a timely manner.  So in an environment that seems impossibly unfair in getting those needs met, we add in an element of competition which creates new needs. Kids then naturally discover coping mechanisms to try to get their needs met in other ways or they become detached from their needs altogether.  These options of indirectly meeting needs or denying they exist, make it difficult for the child, teacher, and other children to exist in the same space, let alone learn the curriculum. 

Even if a child arrives at school with their needs regularly met in their home environment, the school environment is competitive, without a lot of support to navigate this competition and some kids who are “nice kids” at home, may develop strategies to cope with the competition and hierarchy at school, pushing them out of the “nice kids” category.  I remember working with a child in JK who was a “nice kid” at home but in her efforts to fit in at school, was saying mean things to another student.  This brought up her social status within her group of school friends such that losing her “nice kid” status was worth it to her.  It was her coping mechanism in this competitive environment.

Personally, I wouldn’t have this insight without having had the experience of homeschooling my kids and hanging out with so many intelligent, dedicated homeschooling parents.  Homeschoolers are learning in a completely different environment, one in which their needs are addressed directly and timely.  The pace of homeschooling is less competitive and slower, so just removing that stress is helpful.  The home environment is usually more empowering for kids to meet their own needs meaning that kids can take breaks, get exercise, spend some time playing and just basically stay in tune with their own needs so they can address them as they arise.  Sometimes needs pop up that an empowered child cannot meet on their own and when that is the case, the adult – child ratio is usually much more favorable than the 1:20 ratio in a school classroom.  Homeschooling has taught me that children, when their needs are addressed, are content.  And content kids learn.

I just want to point out that even if your child is labelled a “nice kid”, check in with them. Make sure they are not suffering behind that label too.  Children who are perfectionists, hide their needs in the name of approval or try, to become detached from their feelings are in just as much pain, yet sometimes get labelled as “the nice kids”. They sometimes like this label as they can hide behind it, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are doing alright as I mentioned above.  

I think I’m really lucky that I have been able to teach in the public system AND homeschool my kids.  I feel really fortunate to have had both experiences and the learning and reflection that comes from it.  My advice for parents, if they realize their child is expressing anything other than contentment with their life, would be to try a different environment. Show your child that getting needs met is important and model strategies about how to do it.   If you can homeschool, do it!  It is the best kept secret in education!  And if you cannot homeschool, keep looking for other alternatives. We all deserve to be in environments where our needs are met. That safe space is where human potential lies; potential for contentment, peace, love, connection, and learning.

Critical Thinking Awareness Challenge:  Type "nice kid" into a Google image search and tell me, what patterns do you see?

Labels Part 2

I've never had a blog before starting We Learn Naturally, so I'm learning as I go how they work.  While looking for a past blog post, I noticed that my blog post Labels had over 500 hits!  Woah.  When did that happen?  How did that happen?  So I decided to reread the post to see why it might have been so popular.

When I read Labels again, I had fresh eyes.  In the post, I gave an example of a mother's push back to break free of an ADHD label on her child.  I recognize that not all mothers have that privilege.  In fact, children are often born into multiple societal labels related to age, race, gender, sexual preference, religion, culture, and social class...and these labels are exceedingly difficult to push back on.  The word intersectionality comes to mind.

Hearing about the six year old girl from Mississauga, who is black, in a single parent home, with a mother who has cancer, (notice the number of labels this young girl falls under) who was restrained in handcuffs...sadly this doesn't shock me.  While I hope that restraining a child in handcuffs does not ever happen in Ontario, I know that it is happening in the US, where the 'school to prison pipeline' is more pronounced.  (Just writing that phrase "school to prison pipeline" sends shivers through my body, so if you shiver reading that, I'm with you.)  It may be illegal to spank or use corporal punishment in school, but it is not illegal to threaten, scare, punish, shame, or demean a little person who has is consistently "out of line" with school authority.  Even if it is not happening to your kid, this style of discipline is probably happening to other kids at your child's school. This is the school environment for many public schools in Ontario and it happens most often where the populations are vulnerable and kids carry multiple labels. We know through studies involving spanking or other forms of corporal punishment that there is an escalation of violence or an escalation of force when using negative reinforcement.  Well, the same is true if force or violence is used in a school setting. Now, I realize I have a broader view of what violence entails than your regular Facebook moms' group (thanks to nonviolent communication), but basically schools are using reinforcement tactics that are violent with our most vulnerable young people.  (Violence meaning basically anything that brings about harm or pain.)

Since starting Learning in the Woods, I have been humbled by the number of emails we receive from, usually moms, who have stories that are on the same vein as the Mississauga 6 year old.  Perhaps their child was not restrained by handcuffs or has fewer labels, but they are certainly desperate for an educational alternative for their child.  Moms who are in the difficult position of trying to explain to their child that they are not the problem, or that adults like teachers, principals, and police should be trusted, or that schools should be safe.  What an impossible task, right?  How do you undo those messages of violence and power?  How does a mom with a job and her own set of labels and pain take on that entire system?  (Answer:  She doesn't, at least she can't do that alone which is why we need to support this Mississauga mother by writing to the superintendent or saying no to shame and violence at your child's public school.  Or if you are a mom fighting it alone, maybe you conserve your energy and direct it towards figuring out how to get your child out of that specific violent environment.)

When I receive these calls, emails, or PM's, it's sometimes hard to know how to offer support.  Not only, is the mainstream school system not serving their child, it is damaging them.  As parents grapple with how best to navigate among just a few alternatives to main stream education (which will be one alternative stronger with the opening of The Barn School!) I can't help but notice that the kid has a better shot at breaking free of the labels and systemic violence if their parents also break free. The truth is, that without parents acting as strong advocates, it's really hard for a child to endure that alone without some sort of repercussion.

Here is a Self-Directed Education (SDE) advocate and mom Akilah Richards sharing her reasons behind choosing SDE.  She is a writer and poet, so her words will inspire you to "raise your child as a free person" with a "right to design their own path" (paraphrased) better than I ever could.

As awful as this experience has been for this family, I can see that it brings about an opportunity for conversation and the possibility  to create some real change in our public education system.  I find that inspiring!  I want to be part of that!  But this real life story also reminds me why I chose to get out of the public system and start something new.  I need real alternatives to be available now.  I have a need for security and healing for those around me.  I can use my privilege to bring an alternative forward for those who cannot wait or do not have the patience to work through systemic change.  I see the work of We Learn Naturally as being part of a larger change that we are probably all motivated to see happen.  This is just my route and I look forward to seeing where it leads me.

Connections and Timeouts

My husband sent me a link today to an article that was talking about how Time-outs, as a discipline method, are overused, and not only ineffective but they also may cause more harm.  Unfortunately the article didn't go into much detail about why time-outs can cause more harm.  I am going to try to talk about that a bit here as it relates to parenting and education.

In teacher's college, we weren't really taught discipline methods, so in the classroom most people were using a combination of their personal style and whatever was the norm for that school.  People didn't often question school culture discipline tactics, it was just part of the system.  Perhaps that explains why there are 19 States in the US that still include corporal punishment as an acceptable means of discipline.  You get so entrenched in the system's norms, that you can't see when the ideas are no longer relevant or acceptable. 

So in my experience teaching young children, if you were at a "good" school you might use more rewards than punishments, but if you were teaching at a "bad" school, your principal might have the whole staff trained on methods of classroom discipline that were board approved and used shaming and consequence techniques.  Regardless of the type of public school you were at, giving time-outs was standard.  In fact, if you weren't giving time outs, your effectiveness as a teacher might be questioned; that's how prevalent time-outs were. 

When I first started teaching in Ontario public schools, I didn't have children yet.  In my first year teaching Kindergarten, I gave time outs sparingly, but I remember a mom called me once to find out why her child was put on time out.  I explained the situation, but even as I did, I didn't feel confident in my answer.  I loved her son and I knew that I had crushed his spirit.  I didn't like the time out culture I was a part of...but I didn't know any alternatives.

After my son was born, I found myself following my instincts as I learned how to care for him and nurture him.  As a new parent, I felt drawn to Attachment Parenting, Continuum Concept, Positive Parenting, and RIE.  Respecting my infant son as a full human being meant that we had a strong bond and by the time he was entering his toddler stage, I couldn't imagine putting him in time out.  I understood the power of responding with love and I was more aware of how shame is used to curb behavior with powerful psychological consequences.  Thankfully, being a mom absolutely made me a better teacher.

Returning to work after my maternity leave, I brought my parenting style to the classroom.  I loved those children and dug deeply to find patience and connections in an environment that regularly denied their needs.  (I feel like I am harnessing my inner John Taylor Gatto here!)  With my new confidence in parenting with love and connection, there was no doubt, I had the best class in the school.  But when I say that, I don't actually feel a sense of self-pride.  I feel proud of the kids because others could see how awesome they were but when I say that I had the best class in the school, I actually feel...ashamed?  Ashamed because I realize now that I probably always had the best class in the school...I just never had a clue that I needed to protect every kid in my care and hold space for them so that they could just do their thing and walk around being their regular awesome selves.  I needed to shield them, like a giant umbrella, so that their happy little flames didn't get snuffed out...and unfortunately, it took me several years to learn that. 

That little boy that I put on time out before having kids was a REALLY awesome kid and I loved him, but I sure wish I knew about positive parenting when he trusted in my care.  Because I know that hurt people hurt people and people become hurt by major events and a build up of minor events...a school career of crushing minor events is enough to silence a soul or dim a light, no matter how exuberant to start. 

As I have explored aware parenting/positive parenting/RIE I've become more aware of the importance of establishing and respecting boundaries, honouring feelings, the power of routines, and modelling behavior.  When our children are struggling with behavior, our adult role is to be the calm in our child's storm.  We don't have to solve problems for our children, in fact we shouldn't rob them of that experience.  Nor should we engage in the power struggle of trying to teach them "a lesson".  We just have to be a safe place for them to catch their breath, reassure them as they experience their feelings, and confidently stand by them as they navigate their mistakes.  I still have a lot of learning to do in this area but I'm confident that I'm on the right path. 

I often read about ACE Scores and Resiliency and Addictions.  For a long time my favourite show was A&E's Intervention.  I was so curious about how the addict's lives lead to a position where they would seek pain and felt compelled to feed their addiction and perpetuate their pain.  In my search to understand ACE scores, resiliency, and addiction, I started to come across articles like this one that talk about how the opposite of addiction is connection and it just makes so much sense to me.  According to this line of thinking, the best way to prevent and treat addiction is through connection; connection to our feelings and connection to our community.  Sometimes unfortunate or sad things happen to people but connected people, loved people, valued people, have had experience in dealing with those feelings before.  They know the value of working through the full spectrum of feelings, that reaching out to their community for support will make their journey more bearable, and that they deserve forgiveness, peace, and love.  Leaving a child in timeout does nothing to support a child through their emotions and experience.  Isolating them from those connections add new feelings of loneliness, confusion, or frustration to their already upset state.

Every time a child has a tantrum, tests a boundary, makes a mistake, or feels overwhelmed by life, we have an opportunity to guide them through their experience to a place of peace and calm.  What a wonderful gift to give another human being!  As trusted adults, we can help children to learn resiliency through our loving presence and empathetic connection.  That blows my mind!  What a magnificent power we have!

I think the hardest part of realizing that power is the self-awareness of realizing that despite our best intentions, we are often so flawed ourselves.  We have grown up in systems of fear...school cultures of the bad kids being sent to the office, left alone to cry, feeling worthless in our mistakes...we have such sadness to sort through ourselves if we want to guide our children to peace.  But what a gift for those brave enough to start to peel back the onion layers.

This is the ultimate image of peace and calm at our house; a sleeping 2 yr old with her favourite cat. :)

labels

My husband has the gift of being able to quickly and accurately see the essence of a person.  He is an engineer in his categorical thinking and that's true even when he deals with people.  It's especially helpful for him in his sales position.  Right away he understands a person's motivations and interests and then he can get right to the heart of their problem and needs.

I, too, can see how labels can be helpful.  If you share some common characteristics with others, you can self-identify with a group and find support.  Like I do with unschoolers and Attachment Parents and Vegetarians.  Also, services can be offered to a group of people for faster and for less money to groups with common characteristics.

Of course, labels have their drawbacks too.

A friend of mine recently made a comment that really stuck with me.  She was talking about her experience in being labelled by others.  She said, "I don't usually think about (my label).  I just walk around, living my life and in my daily life, (my label) doesn't define me."  I thought, how true!  Most of us fit into many labels but we don't make decisions about our lives based on whether or not our choices fit with the perceptions behind those labels.  We just make decisions based on who we are and what works for us. 

I think labels cause damage when the people being labelled have to fight for control over the perception of their label.  I am blessed with some really lovely people in my life, some of whom happen to be gay and lesbian.  Every once in a while, there will be a media spotlight on GLBT issues and watching some reactions from the public makes me think how hurtful this label can be when it's used by people to judge in ignorant or hateful ways.  The GLBT community has worked steadily to remove the stigma and hopefully one day it will be a non-issue for people, just a descriptor word instead of the heavy label it can still be today in Canada.

I think that labels can be most hurtful and harmful when the people being labelled are vulnerable and impressionable.  They are powerless to influence the perception of their label and may even be conditioned to believe they embody the negative perceptions of their label.  Some parents are wonderful advocates for their children who are labeled, changing society's perceptions and understandings.  Other parents fight the labelling process altogether, believing the downsides of the label are more harmful than the potential benefits.

As a public school teacher, I remember a strong mother who fought hard to protect her son from being labelled.  Her child was judged to be ADHD from the start of his school career.  By the time he reached me in his primary school years, there was a lot of pressure on his parents from staff and admin to get him tested, give him the official ADHD label, get him meds, and enroll him in special programming at school.  His mother FOUGHT the official labelling process, believing her son would be able to excel beyond our expectations, if he were given enough time to mature and the opportunity to learn how to manage himself.  I know that was a difficult decision for her and perhaps not the right decision for every family, but I sure learned a lot from her example.  That year, I trusted her, and she trusted him, and I had my first foray into true self-directed learning, unschooling style.  The results of his growth changed me.  He is an amazing kid, full of heart, ideas, and passion, but with a different set of parents, I wonder how things might have worked out for him?  His mom trusted the core of who he was more than she trusted the system he was in.  Would he have blossomed with the label following him everywhere and special programming that didn't understand his mom's larger vision of who he could become?  She was motivated by love and trust for him and she understood the power of a label.  In his situation, I think his mom made the right call.

Parenting is a challenge and no one understands this more than parents with children who are "labelled" at a young age.  A label on a child is essentially a label the parent carries too; for better or for worse.  So to all of the moms and dads of labelled children who have found We Learn Naturally, welcome.  We know you are here because you have a larger vision of who your child could be.  We are all bigger than our labels.  This organization was created with your kids in mind.