Since my 5000 km move across the country
from Ontario to British Columbia, I have experienced a significant amount of
turbulence as we attempt to lay down fresh roots so far away from all that we
know and love. There have been times where I have literally cried out as I
questioned what my husband and I have done, as the immense fear of “messing up
our kids” overcame me. How could we believe that uprooting all of the loving
and secure connections we have made back home to make this great quest to the
West was actually the right thing to do? Thankfully, I have been here before
and was able to tenderly remind myself of exactly why we did this. I walked right into these challenges
wholeheartedly. A clearer minded me, embraces the challenges that arise from
different, unknown and difficult. Because something I believe to be true with
all of my heart is that, compassion, acceptance and love for all people is
fostered out of diverse interactions and tough situations.
You see, one of the primary struggles I
have with our family being alternatively educated is the potential risk it has
for lacking diversity in the experiences we encounter with other people in the
community. Now, hold on. I know some of you will instantly think “Here we go
again. Don’t you bother starting with the socialization debate!” However, I
have to stop you mid thought because I am not talking about socialization at
all. In fact, I am very well aware of the ample opportunities available for
socialization for home learners/alternative students through independent
schools, co-ops, extracurricular activities and more.
No, I am not talking about that at all. I
am speaking more specifically about the diversity within these activities
instead. When I made the decision for our family to become unschoolers, I went
through so many layers of consideration on the matter. As we begin our sixth
year with the decision, I am quite aware of the factors that have given me
comfort and those I have struggled with. One really big struggle I have had
often is with regards to diversity and I’ll tell you why. When I first began to
consider home learning I think I was mostly operating from a place a fear,
which I am certain others can relate to. Fear that my children would encounter
any of the experiences that caused me pain or discomfort during my childhood
and like most people, many of those took place at school.
But as I settled in to our decision, the
fears I carried took a shift. As I began relationships with other home learning
families, and visited the alternative education options in my community I
noticed some things to be true. What I noticed is that the broad scope of the
alternative education community appeared to be predominantly made up of
families with high socioeconomic status (SES). So, while back when I was a new
momma this was precisely what I was seeking, it is an area of discomfort for me
now and I’ll tell you why.
As I have grown as a parent and began to
heal parts of myself that were wounded from my childhood, I have developed a
great deal of tenderness and self-love for not only myself but my mom as well.
Even as I began my journey as a mother I was more certain than ever that my
duty was to give my children everything I never had. They wouldn’t be poor,
they wouldn’t go to school and if they did it had to be private, and they must never struggle. However, through the
healing I’ve received from watching my children grow and being a part of their
experiences of life, I have come to realize how much I actually like myself and
who I’ve become. So as this became increasingly apparent to me, I started to
question what things I might duplicate from my childhood rather than avoid.
The thing that stands out the most to me is
the richness of diversity in my life, most of which came from the decisions and
risks that my own mother made as she parented myself and my three sisters. We
were poor, my sisters and I were mixed race, my mom was a single parent and we
were a household of five women. We certainly did not fit the mould of a
traditional family by any means. Perhaps
this was because mom has always been the kind of person who rooted for the
underdog and taught us to do the same. Even when it was to her own demise at
times, she gave everything she had to anyone who needed it. My mother modelled
empathy and compassion in everything that she did and even though at times I
didn’t understand it in my youth, I am so grateful that she was my teacher.
When I consider the reasons that my mom is
the way that she is, as with myself I do not believe it is because of the lack
of struggle and diverse experiences in her life. No, in fact, it is very much
the opposite. Raised in an upper middle-class family in Ancaster ON, probably
not one of the most SES diverse places in the world, my mom was also adopted.
Being adopted has caused her a great deal of pain and discomfort however it is
probably one of the single and most important pieces to consider in how my
mother was gifted with the incredible ability to empathize and have compassion
the way she does. The unique experience of adoption and feeling different
opened her empathic ability to a much larger group outside of her tribe of
origin.
I want to clarify that I am in no way
suggesting that anyone who does not experience great hardship or pain will be
lacking in empathy, but I think I am making some valuable connections here. I
recently enjoyed an article titled “The
Limits of Empathy” published by Uplift Connect on Facebook, that really
hammered home some solid findings on empathy and the biological science behind
it. Without getting too technical, and I do highly recommend reading it
yourself, the author basically explains that ancestrally, we as a species are
more capable of providing empathy to people who are similar to ourselves. You
can probably relate this to your own experiences and feelings on any of the
leading issues of controversy in the world today. It has been discovered that
oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” also acts as a driving force behind
empathic ability. While it strengthens feelings of love amongst people within
your circle, it can reinforce a tribal mentality and evoke fear and mistrust
towards those who come from outside of our social circles.
It is for these reasons that I am
contending for diversity as a catalyst for empathy in our lives. If we actually
have a biological predisposition to dislike, avoid and disagree with those who
are different from ourselves yet empathy and compassion are essential to the
vitality of our society, the only apparent solution is to encounter as many
diverse experiences with as many different types of people, as often as we can.
This way, we will have more similarities woven into our connections and our
tribal instincts will adapt to them instead. Mix things up. Befriend opposites
and work through the challenges that arise from it. Talk to your kids about how
different can be uncomfortable and why it is important to embrace differences
anyways. Model this in every way that you can.
Fear is what prevents people from connection but if we can consciously
walk through the unknown in order to reap the reward of acceptance and love on
the other side, the risk is SO worth it.
In the traditional school system children
from all walks of life are grouped together in classrooms upwards of 30 or more
children. And while at times, the differences may lead to bullying, exclusion
and intolerance, diversities in class, race, gender, learning abilities,
sexuality and religious beliefs are certainly encountered daily by children
attending school, which does offer increased opportunities for learning
empathy. As alternative families on the other hand, the goal of diversity as a
bridge to empathy is one that needs to be much more intentional. What we do have
working to our advantage though, is that choosing the path less travelled with
alternative educations means that we are already intentional by nature. So it’s
simple. All we need to do is add diversity to the top of our priority lists,
and the rest will fall into place on its own. Goodbye fear, exclusion, and
intolerance. Hello empathy, compassion and love!
Smiles and Love.
Here
is the link to the article on empathy I mentioned:
Chelsea Bohnert is a We Learn Naturally Blog contributor and advisor for We Learn Naturally. She unschools her children, thinks critically, learns constantly, and creates strong communities everywhere she goes (including coastal B.C. where she currently resides.) Thanks for the blog Chelsea!
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